Out with the Old, Baby!

For those of you who have asked, thanks, & here's why there haven't been many enties from me this past month. I wasn't fully in the spirit. I know it's kind of shocking. But honestly, I was really pretty bipolar about Christmas this year. I was the normal excited to celebrate with my family & to enjoy everything with my kids, but I faced another tradition with dread. I felt stress & annoyance at the whole idea of it. Christmas Eve with my husband's family...ugh.

I told myself when I started writing that it wouldn't be a place to air my issues with those people, but you know what? It's my life. It's my story. People say that if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all....but I can't deny a whole huge portion of what affects me to please people there's no pleasing, to respect people I don't respect, or to be nice to people who frankly, haven't been nice....I won't go overboard because I love my husband & I respect him, but I feel what I feel & I can & will share what gets to me for better or worse.


Merry Christmas, right? Right?!



As I look back over our history, it occurred to me that I have never actually looked forward to Christmas at my in-laws, but I have never faced it with anxiety & loathing. Of course, I have never been stuck with people with whom I have such little patience or tolerance. We had some disagreements. I put my foot down & a few of them can't deal with it. Too freakin' bad, right? I get to say what happens inside my home & to my kids &, as I actually had to say to my mother in law, she doesn't. We had it out & that's on her because she couldn't mind her own damn business & I'd been pushed enough. Had she kept quiet, so would have I. The difference is, I can be angry & move on. She seems to enjoy the grudge. I contend that it is why her 2 daughters don't speak to each other, & why she doesn't speak to her own siblings...or hadn't in 40 years.

I can talk through an issue or 200 & reach a compromise, I can agree to disagree & I can forgive...if I am acknowledged. If I am treated fairly. If I am given the respect I deserve as a good wife to your son/brother & a good mother to your grandchildren/neices...& I am those things. At a minimum, I meet those expectations...Of course, that has not happened. I repeatedly reached out to them to work through our issues (all of which stem from, in my less than humble opinion, the refusal to let us be independent from control & dominance, complete lack of respect for us as adults, as parents, & a stubborn unwillingness to admit any wrongdoing or make any real apology for it.) I was repeatedly ignored. So when they asked my husband what I wanted for Christmas, my answer was nothing. I want nothing from them. I want to be left alone. Anything else is too little too late.

The woman actually expected me to come to her house & eat & exchange gifts & pleasantries as though we have a relationship. She expected this without apologizing to me or my daughter for barging into our home & verbally assaulting my daughter (for what I feel was justifiable anger at her, no less) then turning her wrath upon me, in front of my daughter, because I dared to stop her. She seems to have expected this despite the fact that she ignored me & my efforts to make peace on multiple occassions. She expected this despite not having made any attempt to speak to me at various school & public social functions which we have both attended. She seemingly expected this without even bothering to invite me!

Why would I put myself through that? Why would I think I would be welcomed? So I rode a roller coaster of emotion because I did not want to keep my children from their family, but I did not want to be there or without my kids either. There was no winning. The woman said to my husband, "She can't put it aside for one day?" Sure. Sure I could. I chose not to for the point of it, because I'm not a hypocrite. Maybe I would have had the right thing been said, the right offer made...but no attempt was made, so what's the point? I didn't miss them & I'd bet it was mutual. I chose to let there be peace on earth & I truly can't look at them without negative feelings rising up to choke me, so I made the decision to stay away from the negativity.

I'm not sure what I am supposed to do with the gifts they sent home for me. I suppose I can drop them at Goodwill. I haven't opened them. I don't really want them. I'm curious as to the point of them. Bribery? Peace offering? What? What would you buy for someone you've treated like an insect for 3/4 of a year? The last few years as our conflicts grew increasingly tense, I noticed that very few of my presents were for me anyway. They were what I call family gifts- things we all use...sheets, towels, dishes. I think in the previous 2 years, I got 1 thing that was a) just for me & b) something I'd actually wanted. I still like my Vera Bradley purse.

In the end, Christmas Eve was fine. It was bearable. I finished wrapping last gifts & watched a decent movie. I reflected on the lovely day at my family gathering the day before & I anticipated the excitement of our private, little family celebration on Christmas morning.

I was angry at them all. Admittedly, I still am because I see it as unresolved. But I'm moving on... 1 thing I found out through the trials of the past year is that I don't need to dwell. I've been fine. If they want it this way, they'll have it this way until they accept my boundaries or die bitter & alone....I have better things to do. And they don't deserve that kind of power over my life. In refusing to give them one type of power I unknowingly gave up another. No more. It ends now.

I look forward to the new year. Usually I think, whatevs. But this year, I've got plans. Last year was a bitch to me & this year, I'm going to be the bitch!! Last year, I wouldn't share my resolutions. I said, "If I am successful, then you will all know." I was successful. I did share. I didn't say, hey, this was a new year's resolution....but I met each of them. Thanks for the help on the way. For 2011, I have a few more...& because it worked out so much better for me to make it a private goal, that's what I am doing again. If it works out, you'll know it. Keep your fingers crossed. Send me some good luck vibes. Say a prayer. Whatever works...because my goals this new year are pretty huge.

*By the way, my father in law is exempt from all of that & so is the sister in law & her family that are autonomous.