Maybe We're Not Babes Anymore...

I went through most of December without writing much, & I've repeatedly heard that if you want to be a writer, you have to write...that, & the idea that once inspiration strikes.......I don't remember how that one goes.

Roseanne Barr

Anyway, I was inspired today. (Did you see the flash of lightening? Did anyone else hear the bells go off?) I was inspired by- laugh if you must- Roseanne Barr. She was on Good Morning America, which I often have on while the kids get ready for school. She wrote a book called Roseannearchy: Dispatches from the Nut Farm. I didn't read the book. I didn't even read the excerpts (but if you want to, here's the link- http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/book-excerpt-roseanne-barrs-roseannearchy-dispatches-nut-farm/story?id=12538622&page=1) but I did 1/2-listen to her talk about it & she said something that I liked. She said the thing that inspires me today. She said, & I'm paraphrasing, that people are always trying to deny getting old. She said people tell her, oh, don't say you're old, you're not old, yet...but she's 58. She said she liked getting old. She said she was old, post-menapausal, gray & she was tired of people talking it down. She said she feels more content & more at peace....What's so wrong with getting old, she asked.

Yeah, what is wrong with it? I ask that a lot. People, seemingly mostly female, are in such denial about aging. Not just denial, but actively engaged in a losing battle. The only way to not get old is to die young. Is that what we want?!

I'm not criticizing healthy habits to take care of oneself. Eating right, exercise, sunscreen, & a cap on the vices are perfectly normal & (redundancy alert) healthy habits. I'm not opposed to a little cosmetic surgery if it improves one's self-esteem. If it physically improves one's standard of living, then it wasn't cosmetic.... Got a hook nose that makes you self-conscious? You want some boobies because God didn't give you enough to fill out a t-shirt, I'm not judging. By all means, do what you think is best for you. Jennifer Grey's nose looks great.



Jennifer Grey, before & after

But please don't completely alter your face so that you are practically unrecognizable or perpetually surprised like some celebrities who've had conspicuous work done... You know Phyllis Diller & Joan Rivers & Dolly Parton & Roseanne herself, because they speak freely of it, but google Mary Tyler Moore. The once beautiful, smart, funny woman looks like it's painful to change expressions. It's sad to me. Google any of them. I'm not going to post the pics: Melanie Griffith, Faye Dunaway, Joan Van Ark, Linda Evans, Victoria Principal, Priscilla Presley, Cher, Tori Spelling...ok, some of them talk about it too. But really, if your face looks tight enough to bounce like a ball, your neck can't look like crepe paper. They both look worse that way. And some people have had nice work done, but then they need to know when to stop.

There is this elusive concept called 'aging gracefully' that doesn't mean you have to go get a curly perm & toss out your cosmetics, or trade in your contacts for trifocals. Women look younger in my opinion, when they look confident, carefree, & current. Don't hold onto the hair you wore in high school. Styles change. The blonde or black dye you've used for 15 years is probably 10 years too long. Warm it up. Tone it down. Assess yourself honestly. Don't dress like the 20-year olds unless you are 20 years old. Don't shop in juniors, even if it fits, once you're the mother of one...  Don't continue wearing your makeup like you did when you felt you looked your best- unless that was last week. As we age, our pigmentation changes. Soften the lines. Harsh eyeliner will age you. Wear the right products for your skin, & watch for what does & doesn't settle into the fine lines -or not so fine, depending on your age- around your eyes.

I for one, don't like to spend a lot of time getting ready to go out. I spent way more time 'putting on my face' when I didn't need one than I do now. That's for sure. Of course, heavy makeup & big hair were in style in the 80s & that required real dedication...hahaha. I'm not going to pretend I have fabulous skin & know all the secrets. I don't. I'm 41 (& 1/2) years old & I'm battling wrinkles, oily patches, dry patches & acne simultaneously. Thank you, hormones. Proof that God is a man. But I look critically at people, friends & strangers alike, & think, I can do that with my eyeliner or wow, she has nice skin, or phew! I'm not quite a raisin yet!! (Now you're all going to be checking out my crow's feet & looking for the makeup to cake up in my fine lines...) And remember, a little fat is good. It plumps the creases. We all have to find some self-acceptance somewhere.

The biggest thing we have to overcome in the aging gracefully stage in our lives is the self-acceptance, the confidence, the self-empowerment. Let's lose the phrases like 'cougar' because they really aren't badges of honor as much as the butt of jokes. While theoretically you can find your perfect partner at any age, regardless of his age, it doesn't really seem something to brag about. (Of course, bragging itself is usually not a good thing. It's different from pride somehow.) I'm a few years older than my husband. Big deal. I have a friend who's nearly 10 years older than her husband. That's fine. I have another friend who's husband is enough younger than her that they break that '1/2 your age + 7' standard. And they're happy, so, so what?

Call me uptight, but I think it kind of smacks of desperation when the age difference is the focus., like, looky me, I bagged a babe! Wooo, I'm hot stuff, I still get the hotties... And the truth is, I think the old man with the trophy chick is creepy too. And PLEASE, please, do not say you're robbing the cradle!! That's not a good analogy!! If you did that literally, I would call the police. Obviously, there are instances where it's going to be addressed. Some people will be surprised. Some people will be unkind or whatever, & making a joke is a fine way to get past it, but then, let it go.... you can be the confident woman you should be by remembering that you don't have to convince anybody of anything. Just be....

So we're not babes anymore. I think it's kinda nice to be noticed for my personality, liked or disliked, because of what I say & do rather than to be reliant on how I look for my self esteem. I think it's nice when I talk to a man & he's listening, rather than staring at my jugs or daydreaming about motorboatin'...Don't get me wrong. I like to feel attractive. I just don't require that validation from numerous external sources anymore, & that is a good thing! It really is!!

Of course, the biggest key to aging gracefully, that I've seen in the women I think have done so successfullly, is to remain feminine, to dress appropriately, to keep stylish, & to care for oneself. Doing that helps with the confidence, the self-acceptance & the self-assuredness. Here are my picks for the most beautiful women showing that one can age gracefully....& remain vibrant, relevant, even sexy. (& I think I've read that some have had some work done, but clearly, they knew when to stop.)

Diane Sawyer

Martha Stewart

Jacklyn Smith

Linda Dano

Oprah Winfrey

Helen Mirren

I am so sure I'm going to get flack for this...are you talking about ---? Oh, I've seen that on --- too! Friends, you must trust that I love you. If you recognize yourself here, it's likely we've had this conversation. Also worth noting, not everything here is original. Gasp! Some of these things have been pointed out to me & I happen to find them valid.

It's also important to note that I'm not as old as ANY of these women- not even Jennifer Grey. She has very nearly a decade on me. I wish I looked that good already. But the point of aging gracefully, I think, is to look that good when I get there- to do (or not do) the right things now & pray it's not too late. I can only look as good as the damage done, though I can certainly try to avoid drawing extra attention to any of the imperfections by making unflattering style choices. There is nothing wrong with getting older. It sure beats the alternative.