I saw this the other day- "A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to you about himself, & a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself." It's attributed to Lisa Kirk, & I don't know who she is, but that there is some funny stuff.
Everyone seems to agree that talking about other people behind their backs is a bad thing...yet pretty much everybody does it. I contend that good news is also shared behind people's backs. No one wants to be the subject of gossip, yet there are those that have to be in the middle of everything. And is there really a line when one is talking about their own lives & it overlaps with something/someone else? And what exactly is there to talk about, if we aren't supposed to always talk about ourselves & no one wants you to talk about them? I just don't know anyone who can honestly claim they never do it.
Hold your breath. I'm about to open a can of worms & it could get stinky!!
I know there is just too much ammunition in this topic. I am practically guaranteed to offend someone, hopefully not too many someones. It isn't my intention to be a muckraker, but sometimes you're just damned if you do & damned if you don't. Some people aren't going to be happy no matter what.
Recently I upset someone very close to me. I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I didn't want to embarrass her or make her mad. I was trying to be honest. I was trying to spare her in the long run....& that's the truth. I knew it would be hard to hear & I put it off because I couldn't find a nice way to phrase what I needed to tell her. There's not always a nice way to deliver some news. Yet I did feel that letting her know that something she was doing bothered a large number of people with whom we both socialize & they had let me know. I felt that if I told her, she could avoid the same behavior & thusly, not cause discomfort in the future. I was not well-received. She has the right to be upset. I understand that. I am sure I would be too. I am equally sure that if I was doing something that people were talking about in a negatuive light, then I would want to be told by someone I trusted, in private, so that I could stop doing that, or at least understand the consequences. We all want to be liked. That's basic human nature.
Don't all hop in at once with my flaws & failures, ok? Pace yourselves.
There is 1 gal I know that put me off whe I first met her. She was loud & brash & just kind of out-there. I'm sure there are those that could say the same of me. So we weren't instafriends....but I have gotten to know her more over time & seen behind the boldness & had a few insights & you know, she's okay. We'll probably never be BFFs but I get it, I get her, & I have developed a liking for her & a certain respect. I hope she feels the same. Maybe a first impression isn't all there is to a person & maybe those impressions aren't entirely accurate...Recently she felt she was getting the cold shoulder or feeling a lack of support & she talked to me about it. I totally understood where she was coming from. It's the way she's dealing with them that are making people uneasy, but we all deal differently. There comes a point when one needs to figure out what's working & what's not & take appropriate action. Take the lead instead of reacting. Maybe the outcome will change. Or maybe it never will & peace must be made with the way it is or one must remove oneself from the situation. (This is a lesson I had to learn with a few people.)
And maybe some things are said that are taken out of context or misinterpreted. There are 2 sides to every story & the truth is usually lost in the middle. Maybe in offering sympathy to someone who is pouring out a trouble can make it seem like you agree or that you feel the same. Maybe you do to some degree & maybe you don't. Maybe on some but not on all. No 2 people are exactly the same & we aren't all going to have the same view on it all. There's a point that comes when we keep our opinions to ourselves or we agree to disagree. I will not make all the same choices for my family as some of my friends have made for theirs. It doesn't mean I condemn or condone any of it. My role is not to judge. But I will listen. I don't like to be in the middle of mutual friends' disagreements, but I don't want to be unavailable when I'm needed either. I think I'm pretty loyal & those that know me would surely agree.
The thing is, we all do things. There just is no pleasing everybody all the time. My best guess is that we try to please the most people while remaining true to ourselves, & if that doesn't work, then maybe we are surrounding ourselves with the wrong people for us. It doesn't have to mean that anybody is bad or wrong, but possibly bad or wrong for us. I have long stated that not everybody is going to like everybody, not everybody is going to like everything about everybody even if they do generally like the whole package...& that's why we put up with or dismiss certain things. How long we can put up with or overlook is an individual decision, but what I noticed, is that as soon as 1 is brave enough to say s/he has had enough, others will follow. They will agree that they're done too. There is a breaking point.
Oscar Wilde had a lot to say on the matter, it seems.
“The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.”
“It is perfectly monstrous the way people go about nowadays saying things against one, behind one's back, that are absolutely and entirely true.”
My favorite, “I don't at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited.”
So where does that leave us? Stuck in high school? As grown women, do we accept human nature & deal with it? Or do we fight what really is kind of inevitable? I read once that Erma Bombeck said, "What other people think of us is none of our business." I love that. Don't you just love that? I've tried to live by that since the 1st time I saw it. Really, it helps. I know I've been the topic of conversation. I guess I'm thankful to be that interesting! And it's all true, the idea that if they're talking to you, they're talking about you. I say, accept it & move on!!
Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make us feel inferior without our consent." Mm-hmm. I'm singing the praises. Sing it with me & Christina Aguilera, "I am beautiful no matter what they say. Words can't bring me down. I am beautiful in every single way. Yes, words can't bring me down, so don't you bring me down today..."
As I wrote in my last post, self-assuredness, confidence, self-acceptance, contentment...these are the things which project beauty. I grew up singing with Carole King. Let's sing some more, because it's the truth, & we need reminding now & then, "You've got to get up every morning with a smile on your face & show the world all the love in your heart. Then people gonna treat you better. You're gonna find, yes, you will, that you're beautiful as you feel..."
ABSOLUTELY beautiful, Kerbs! I love it!
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