Baby, Watch Out! I'm on a Rant!

WARNING: The following message contains Sarcasm, Profanity & Self-serving interests.

This is an angry message I recently received via facebook inbox. Hostile much?

"you got alot of fucking nerve...so your kid draws on the wall and leaves dirty clothes around...try raising a child with autism!!...you are very selfish and maybe if you gave your family a little respect, you might get some in return...you got alot of problems and many of your choices have lead you to the consequences you are now faced with...stop sleeping so much and maybe look for a job and you might find a new perspective on life...you feel you are entitled to everything you think you deserve...maybe your family has issues with you but cant tell you because you wont accept it...after all, you are perfect..."

Really? I'm not supposed to be frustrated that my child has drawn on my walls? Vandalism is now acceptable behavior? Really? I should be content living in their mess? Is it responsible parenting to allow these things? Because one of his children has autism, & mine don't, I should condone this behavior? If they had any disability, perhaps it wouldn't be so intolerable. Not that I'd wish that, just saying, there is perspective. My kids are supposed to know better. We should be well beyond these issues. I guess I am selfish if that is defined by the expectation that everyone should have to pick up after themselves & follow through with what they say they will do. Selfish indeed.

I was not under the impression that parenting would be easy. I expected my children to talk back- after all, I did it. I believe that having altercations with a parent is part of the growing up process. Doesn't mean I have to like it, does it?  I do not agree that this equals a mutual lack of respect between my family members & me. Just because his problems are perhaps bigger than mine, is that supposed to nullify mine? I can't be annoyed by shoes in the kitchen because there are starving people in Africa?

This person lives on the other side of the continent, & yet he supposes that he knows me. The fact is, we've never spent 5 minutes alone together getting to know one another. My friend dated him & married him. We've spent a handful of evenings together, with other people, in 15 years. That's a fact.

Let's discuss my choices.... when my place of employment was shutting down, my husband & I decided together that we would try to make it on 1 income. We thought it was a good idea that we raise our own children. We knew we would have to make sacrifices. It has been hard. At times, downright frustrating, but I wouldn't change it. When we had to go without a car, it was terribly difficult, but that is the price we paid to raise our own kids instead of hoisting them off on our parents or working to exhaustion to afford daycare. The consequences we faced were worth the rewards. I hardly think adolescence would be kept at bay if I was currently employed. Maybe we'll find out. My husband & I have been discussing, now that transportation is again available, that I would seek some part time employment. But again, that is a decision for us to make....& really isn't anyone else's business...except, perhaps, for the blind boy in India who can relax now that I'm not sleeping all day...

I don't even sleep all night, much less all day! That's right out of the blue. If I wasn't so mad at his arrogance, I could laugh. And I'm sure I will one day but not yet. A life of luxury is not what I have.

As for stuff...I don't need much! The trade-offs of working all the time to buy more stuff just isn't worth it to me. I don't need so much. I need enough...but I'm not greedy & I'm not superficial & I'm not so concerned with keeping up with the Joneses or the Smiths or the Cooks. A paycheck can't buy the things I value most: love, respect, family, friendship, loyalty, affection, laughter, intelligence, integrity, trust, health, comraderie, understanding, morality, generosity...in no particular order. As broke as we've been, we have always managed to contribute (if not monetarily than by donating our time) to charities we support: Diabetes, Autism, Cancer, Heart disease, Special Olympics, Multiple Sclerosis, Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, Humane Society, local education, sports & band, military & law enforcement, wildlife & the environment, Unicef, Amvets, Goodwill, the Salvation Army, & the Red Cross...

My children have college savings accounts. This man & his wife have opted not to do that for theirs. That's their choice. It's not for me to judge. We have absolutely no credit card debt. We learned from past insanity. We have a modest income & we make ends meet. That's about all I can say on that. Not such terrible consequences. We don't have a huge 5 bedroom house with bills up to the eyeballs & drink a case of beer per night while pretending everything is hunky-dory.

I have a life that I talk about, instead of the sole inanity of professional sports. Some things suck. I never said everything did. Maybe some people have it suckier. Maybe I'm more vocal about what sucks. But you know what? That's what helps me get through it, to put it in perspective & work it out. Suck on that. It doesn't have to be anyone else's method & it doesn't require anyone's approval. Don't like it? Don't read it! Don't like me, then don't interject yourself into my world.

Does my family have issues with me but can't tell me because I won't accept it? (Is that anyone's business but ours?) I suppose that's a possibilty. Anything is possible. But seeing as I've discussed the issues of my children's messiness, sudden penchant for grafitti, the talking-back & grunting & growling at me, the rewards & burdens of a single income, the standards of expectation....it seems to me that they have all had the opportunity to offer any thoughts they've had. I write this as a public forum. I've had private conversations with my husband, parents, sister & friends. None of them thinks a messy house is equivalent to respectful children! It's quite the opposite. None of them thinks my children & I don't have love for each other. And while a job has been mentioned as a way to alleviate some of the financial burdens, they respect the right for my husband & me to make that decision for ourselves, to come to our own conclusions at our own time...but yeah, it's been mentioned. No World War 3, so it seems I'm not that unapproachable. My ego is not so fragile because I know who I am & what matters to me. What I can say is that none of them would try to make any kind of valid point by posting potshots at me on facebook. Jerk.

And at last, the issue of entitlement! Whoopeee!! Yeah, I feel entitled. I do. I feel entitled to be treated with respect by the people in my sphere. I feel entitled to be treated with basic manners & common courtesies. I'm entitled to keep my dignity. I feel entitled to make the rules (with my husband) for our children & guests in our home. I feel entitled to make my own life choices. I feel entitled to talk about things in my life, great or rotten, brought on by myself or thrust upon me. I feel entitled to control what is posted to my facebook pages & to request that one cease what I find objectionable & to delete it which is why facebook gives us that control. I feel entitled to end negative relationships when they cause me so much aggravation. I'm not sure what else he thinks I feel entitled to... but this just about covers it.

Now, excuse me please, I have a nap to catch up on & some kids in the rainforest could use all the shoes I've collected from this house.

Baby, You've Got to be Kidding!

As you know from My Baby Tests Me, I have a 'tween. Truth is, I actually have 2. My big girl is almost 11 & my little girl is almost 9 & the general definition of a 'tween is a child between little kid & teenager, generally from 9-12.

Developmental Psychology lists these traits, among others, as key points in the 'tween's matuation process.

• Have a more developed sense of looking into the future and seeing effects of their actions (as opposed to early childhood where children often do not worry about their future).
• Have more realistic job expectations ("I want to be an engineer when I grow up", as opposed to "I want to be a wizard").
• View human relationships differently (i.e. they may notice the flawed, human side of authority figures) .
• Begin to develop a sense of self-identity.
• Have increased feelings of independence.
• Have a different view on morality.
• More mature, sensible, realistic thoughts and actions.

But as Mom, I have noticed that my own children, rather than maturing, appear to be regressing in many ways. Much like my almost-potty-trained 2 year old stopped using the potty when her baby sister was born, my almost 11 year old is now using baby talk. My nearly 9 year old is leaving wads of gum all over our house. I haven't caught the one who has started drawing on walls. No, I'm not kidding. They didn't draw on the walls when they were toddlers or preschoolers, when it was developmentally forgivable, but now when I know they know better, my little artists have become grafitti punks.


We're guessing this is window cleaner
on the Venetian plastered wall-
I think the other tells its own story.



Please examine the evidence. I present you with exhibits A, B, C, D & E.

Being as no amount (Trust me, I'm consistent!) of saying 'no' has helped, I, being a bit of an authoritarian, said enough was enough. I didn't think it was necessary to write a list of rules because I say them often. I was wrong.

I don't have a lot of rules because I believe in kids being kids, but I have a few basics- take care of your things, be polite, pick up after yourself & the biggie: If I tell you to do something, do it. My children have repeatedly tested above grade level, accelerated, & even gifted in school so I thought these covered what needed to be covered.

No.

It didn't cover, "Don't draw on the walls, the floor, the furniture or your bodies."

I didn't even know I'd need one to cover, "Don't spray random liquids around the house."

Gum under the living room writing desk

Apparently, it also didn't cover, "Sharpies are not for everyday doodles."

It sure didn't cover, "Gum belongs only in your mouth or the trash can."

I never dreamed I'd need a rule to cover, "Don't clog the sink with toilet paper," or "Don't paint the bathroom with toothpaste." I couldn't even photograph this nonsense as I flew into hysterics upon discovery of the overt vandalism.

I'm afraid to mention the sudden nudity issue. I'm just going to leave it there.

As I remind gently at first, then with more firmness in my voice, then (as I'm still ignored) more volume, "Pick up your backpacks, put away your shoes, throw your laundry down the chute," I'm met with exasperated sighs of protest, "Mo-o-om! I know!"

Gum at the computer desk,
along with a doodled-upon mousepad

"Well if you know, why aren't you doing? Don't you know this whole conversation can be avoided if you just do it? If you know, why do you wait for me to ask you (rhetorically, of course) & then remind you, & then order you?" We've had that conversation millions of times.

I have definitely mentioned the whole, "Leave my things alone," rule. That one became urgent as my husband & I went to bed one night to the overpowering odors of every cologne I own all sprayed thickly (is thickly a word? It's appropriate.) I believe, directly onto our pillows! Instant headache. Perhaps it was actually an act of love that one or both of them thought this would be sweet, but trust me, it was an assault. I didn't freak out, but I did have to strip the bed, spray down the mattress & pillows with Febreeze, turn the fan on high, wait, then put fresh linens on...at midnight. I can still smell it in my mind....

I can only guess that the one who applied
the Princess decal is not the one who defaced
(with my nail polish)
Snow White's lips red as blood....
on MY craft desk!

The fact that they have lived in the suburbs their whole lives seems to diminish the sarcasm of the phrase, "Were you raised in a barn?" They look baffled when that one comes up. I say, "Your room is a pig sty!" & am greeted with blank expressions, as though they cannot possibly comprehend what a pig sty is.

I've tried using fear to motivate. "Spiders hide in clutter," I tell them. I know this to be true. I've laundered many a spider when I've sorted the clothes on the basement floor but didn't get to them right away. I either see them scurry away when I pick up the pile or I see them drowned when I transfer the load to the dryer. And then I do the heeby-jeeby dance that I picked it up unwittingly. This is also why I will not go into the dungeon without shoes!

I've tried the guilt-trip. Why won't you just do this for me? I wash your clothes. I make your breakfast. Just put your shoes away for me. It got me nowhere. And I annoy myself.

I've done the drill sargeant thing. Pick up your shoes! One pair & one pair only can be in the tray at the door! All others belong in your bedroom closet! The one pair you leave at the door must be the pair you intend to wear! When everyone leaves in the morning, the only pair there should be mine! Now! Get your shoes! Move it! The black Mary Janes! The sneakers! The Crocs! Move, move move! Yeah, I hate that. I can't keep up with that. I'm still trying to train them, but that's exhausting.

We've tried punishments & rewards. They are just too _______. Fill in the blank. Spoiled? Stubborn? Apathetic? Complacent? It just isn't enough motivation. Stickers, my ass. My kids want new iPods! Not gonna happen.

So this past weekend, I decide that I will remove the guesswork. I will post house rules so that they cannot claim they do not understand the expectations. I wanted to keep it simple. I tried that psychology tip of phrasing in positives instead of negatives (ie, instead of saying, no lying, I wrote, tell the truth.) I just did it this weekend. I don't know yet if it will work. I did write a few of my own & then ask for contributions. I tried to keep it easy. Afterall, if God can make do with 10, we ought to be able as well. We have 9 so far...



The culprit herself added #9

 So reviewing the developmental characteristics list,  I'm not sure when I'm supposed to see that maturity thing starting, but they're getting that whole self-identity thing down. Good for them.

I'd certainly like to see the independence thing wait to surface until they have the maturity for it. Clearly they don't yet possess sensible or realistic thoughts & actions...not when I find a tub of caramel apple dip hidden under the bed & Mrs. Butterworth's behind the chest in the family room.

I still wonder where the concern for their future lies, because I didn't see 'budding vandals' on the list anywhere.



















Baby, I Love Your Smile



It's clear what braces will do for her.
1st day of Kindergarten

 I was well-advised about a year ago that when I got ready to search for an orthodontist for my children, schedule a few consultation appointments. Wow! I am ever so happy I listened to that advice.


I made the phone calls about 2 months ago, & the 1st appointment I was able to obtain was at the closest orthodontist to our house. We went into the office & were inpressed at the bright, cheerful space. Big windows with sunlight streaming in, technology apparent everywhere, a super friendly staff, & a mini-bar full of freebies. I'll call him Dr. X.

The next office was a contrast but came with a personal recommendation from one whose opinion I respect. The office was nice, but it is nestled in some trees. It was calm & quiet. We were greeted by a professional staff & went through just about the same tour. No mini-bar here. However, they did have an incentive plan that getting good check-ups from the dentist won the child rewards at the orthodontist. I'll refer to this one as Dr. Y.

The last appointment was actually the 1st one I made, it just took the longest to get in to see him. I looked at this positively: He's so popular he's busy. He's good & in demand. I also saw the negative side: He could be hard to schedule any appointments with, & what happens when there's an emergency fix? His office is right downtown, has no view, but it was very modern & eco-friendly using sun-tubes for natural light, recycled (plastic privacy panels) & renewable resources (bamboo flooring). They also make their implements on site. He had a video game station for the kids while waiting & coffee for the parent, but not a mini-bar. I'll call him Dr. Z.

Dr. X took X-rays, photos & measurements. He made his treatment reccomendations for both my girls, gave explanations for them, sounded confident in his ability to perfect their bites & their smiles. He thought it best that we start an aggressive plan (the model looked like a Terminator-type of contraption involving a palate expander) immediately for my older daughter for 2 years & phase 1 of a 2-step plan for my younger daughter so that her mouth doesn't develop like my older child's already had. Then we were given price quotes & payment options.

Dr. Y also took X-rays, photos & measurements & outlined his proposed treatment plan. He was very matter-of-fact in his explanations & even said that my younger daughter could & should put off treatment for 18-36 months until she'd lost all of her baby teeth. For my older daughter, he proposed a plan thatwould be about 20-22 months & only a short time in the palate expander, which might only be used as a stabilizing device when moving the teeth... he explained the difference in the type of braces he uses & how it is gentler & more effective, although less conventional. Then we were given price quotes & payment options.

Dr. Z took an MRI, photos, & did all the measurements based on the MRI. He said they both had a palate within the acceptable normal range- no expander. He showed us -& this was cool- how perfect our older daughters face is- his words. He showed us by measurements the dimmensions & how symetrically she lines up with her temples, eyes, & nose width being in perfect 5ths across her face & her forehead, nose & chin dividing into perfect 3rds the length of her face. This was cool. He showed us on the MRI exact measurements of her mouth, teeth, palate, her airway, jaws, sinuses, everything that can be affected by moving the teeth. He took time & explained thouroughly. He did the same with our younger daughter, whom he said should wait 2 years or more to start...& he proposed a treatment plan that involved no palate expander & only 18-20 months of braces for our firstborn, & that he may use more than one set, more than one kind of brace brackets on her. Then we got price quotes & payment options & were told to take our time & consider all options & let them know...



1st day of Kindergarten
Look, Mom, no teeth!

 Even lay people like us can see that our girls have overbites, that they have gaps & some crooked teeth. The whole palate expanding issue is less clear for us. So glad to have various opinions on that. I prefer less interference when possible. We learned from both Dr.s Y & Z that our daughters were advanced in their tooth & bone development. I knew that. They got their 1st baby teeth around 3 1/2 & 4 months old, & they popped up all at once. That's how they lost them too! My 1st started Kindergarten missing her 2 front teeth.

Dr. Z asked us where else we'd 'shopped' & when I told him, he kind of made a face at Dr. X's name, though he recovered quickly. He said he has respect for Dr. Y's work. But Dr. Z was the one with dozens of degrees & awards on his walls. He had the latest technology. He also had the biggest discount for paying up fron in full, although Dr. Y seemed to have a little more flexibility in playing with the numbers. Dr.s X & Z are in our dental network, so we would receive full benefits there, & Dr. Y was not so benefits were cut in 1/2. So what does all of this mean? Here's the bottom line-

Dr. X quoted us $6,360 for our 1st child alone, though he did offer a sibling discount, it did not make up the difference once we added her quote onto it too even with it's discount. Our younger daughter's treatment for phase 1 only was quoted at $1,915 with no estimate for Phase 2. Our insurance benefits & the sibling discount still puts us at an out-of-pocket expense of $4,586 with an unknown Phase 2 amount still to come. We suffered severe sticker shock! It was seriously weighing heavily on us both. Dr. Y proposed $5660 less insurance benefits for an out-of-pocket expenditure of $4,760 for each (because he said our 2nd daughter would eventually require pretty much the same treatment plan.) If he was within our insurance network, that would drop by $1,100 each. Dr. Z quoted $5,222 for our older child. With full insurance benefit, that's $3,222 & to pay in full up front reduces by 7% it comes to $2,996.46. Dr. Y only offered a 3% discount for upfront payment & Dr. X didn't offer any. I do know that orthodontic procedures can vary & give the same approximate results. I truly did not expect such discrepancy between the price points. It's unbvelievable! And in this economy, kind of insane.

Blah, blah, blah!! Boring, right?! I hate numbers. I hate crunching numbers. I'm so glad it's done. My husband & I both walked away from the 3rd appointment thinking, '3rd time's the charm.' He was the least invasive, the least dramatic, the most technologically advanced. He was calm, kind, reassuring & had experience in dentistry as well as orthodontics, & other credentials that impressed us as much as his demeanor & staff did. He said, 'no big hurry' so we can wait for the bonus check & then pay upfront so there are no lingering stresses of upcoming payments...No worries of grinding their teeth to nubs, no TMJ, no apnea, no surgery (1-2 procedures were discusses about my younger daughter's attached muscle & boney gap) no wondering how to cover it & feeling like terrible parents because we didn't take them in sooner even though more than 1 dentist said to wait until they were 11 or 12.....so, no rush. I feel relief.

I'm so glad we did shop around. We got a great vibe with a reasonable price. I find comfort in this, as opposed to the uneasiness I felt at the 1st office. Had we just gone with the 1st guy whose office was closest to our house & was within our dental network, we might have ended up fine, but with more time, discomfort & expense. Why put your kids through more than is necessary?

Soon, my baby with the perfect face will also have perfect teeth....& then my other perfect baby can start hers afterward without drowning us with debt. Hey girls, we no longer have to choose between your teeth & heat this winter! Woo-hoo. That's what I call a WIN!

My Baby Tests Me

I know my mother cursed me. I recall well the many times she told me, "I hope you have a daughter just like you!" Maybe her mother cursed her? So many people tell me I'm just like my mother....which these days I like to think is a compliment.

After my initial panic in learning I was preggers, all I wanted was for my baby to be healthy & to be a girl. I wanted a girl because my brother had 2 boys already & one on the way & my sister had a boy. My parents had no girl grandchildren. Besides, I don't like sports, tractors, trains or trucks, video games or ninja turtles. I had no idea what I'd do with a boy! I knew I liked Barbies, baby dolls, tea parties & dress-up. I could do that.

So I had my ultrasound in the 20-24 week time frame where they can guess the baby's gender, & mine refused to cooperate. I should have known then...should have guessed. She was sleeping & we couldn't get her to roll over & show us her parts. We poked, prodded, pushed & then even when she grew perturbed by this, she wouldn't turn the right way. As she kicked & pushed back at us, all visible onscreen, she would not give us a clear view of the tell-tale features, or lack of them. So I left unknowing.

When I had my follow-up appointment with my OB, I cried while telling her this. I was very upset & disappointed. How could I properly prepare? I mean, I was sure I would love it even if it turned out to be a boy, but I needed that chance to grieve my hope if that was the case. And if she was a girl, then I could get really excited & buy the girly stuff I saw everywhere....so she helped me out. She took some measurements & some things 'weren't adding up right' so I got scheduled for another ultrasound & I learned that I was getting my girl. My sweet, precious, beautiful baby girl.

She was pretty opinionated from the get-go. I have no idea where she would acquire such a trait. Because I nursed her, she refused a bottle. I made milk like crazy- I could feed her & still pump a few ounces to freeze. We discovered later, when we wanted an evening out, that she wouldn't drink it from the bottle. No synthetic nipples for my baby. I used the frozen milk instead of water for her cereals as she began eating solids. I went to work around her 9th month of life & she was more interested in sippy cups than in bottles, so that is what we did.

Trying on Daddy's cap

Because my husband worked later in the afternoon into nights in those early years, we never had her on a good sleep schedule. That, & she fought sleep from the moment she was born. As a toddler, I would put her in her bed only to have her climb out again. repeatedly. I would go to sleep & wake up to find her next to me. I was exhausted, trying to go to sleep my self, saying, "It's midnight. You have to sleep!" But she wouldn't. Midnight was my breaking point, because you see, I wasn't working those late afternoons into the night shifts so I needed my sleep so I could function at work. She got to thinking this meant midnight was bedtime. Her little toddler voice would try to reason with me, "But Mommy, it's not bednight yet..."

Now my baby is a few weeks out from her 11th birthday. She's in 5th grade wearing juniors & adults clothing sizes & has outgrown my shoes & she has an attitude to match. Apparently, the hormones are in overdrive. 

She always has a better idea.

Hey, I know, we should go pick apples on Saturday, maybe go through a corn maze, I might say. She has a better idea. We should go to a corn maze, & then maybe pick some apples, sometime this weekend. See how that works? She also likes to argue how much better her idea is than mine. That's what I said. Then she'll argue, No, you said on Saturday. I'm giving us the whole weekend. But even if I remind her that we already have something scheduled on Sunday so Saturday is all we have, the apples & the maze were still somehow her idea & better than whatever I may have said. And she says 'you' with the disgust she might feel for scraping excrement from the soles of her shoes. I get warm & fuzzy just thinking about it.

She once put on a a completely mismatched outfit. It was turquois & white gingham shorts with a pink tee that had multiple coral & orange & bright pink jellyfish down one side.
I said, Honey, you can't wear that.
She answered, But I like it.
I said, It's fine to like it, but not in public. You can wear one or the other with something that matches.
You're stupid! was my response.

Here's a last example- I just made some lemonaid. Anyone want some?
Some what? she asks.
I answer, Some lemonaid.

Oh, lemmonn-aaid! (real-slow-like, with extra annunciation, because I clearly have an intelligence deficit.)

Right. What did you think I said?

I thought you said 'lemmaid.'

What's lemmaid? I laugh.

She shrugs, I didn't know, that's why I asked.

You didn't know what lemonaid was?

No, I, ugh, FORGET IT! You're stupid & I hate you! She runs from the room & slams her bedroom door.

So you don't want any lemonaid? I call after her.
Not from YOU!!!!! I believe she suspects I may poison her. (haha)


10th birthday at her favorite restaurant



Friends tell me that we will get past it. We will get through it. We will survive it...& I hope we do. I hope we do. So I pray this little girl that people tell me is my mini-me, this little girl with the beautiful, angelic face & big mouth that I love so much but can't spend 10 consecutive minutes with, I pray she does grow up to be ok. I hope I'm doing a decent job. I know she's getting  unconditional love, but I also hope she's learning the behavioral modifications necessary to be a decent human being. I have to believe she's still in there somewhere. As far as I can tell, she's polite to everyone except me & occasionally her sister. I have a sister too so that doesn't surprise me. I remind her & myself that it isn't my job to be her friend or to cater to her every wish, but to be her mother & teach her right from wrong, respect for others, how to be responsible & productive...& that  hope once she grows up, she will be all of those things & then we can be friends.

I want her to find her independence- when she can handle it.

I want her to make her own choices- when she makes good ones.

I want her to stand up for herself- with others.

I want her to grow up- eventually.

You see, she's always believed she's my equal. I'd tell her, you're 3, not 33. When she says but you do it, (because I will bring a drink with me into the living room but the children have been forbidden) I answer that there are different rules for grown-ups than there are for kids. I say the same thing my mother said to me, when you grow up & you have your own home & your own children, then you can set the rules.



Why? Because I said so.

Maybe we all eventually turn into our mothers.