Baby, You've Got to be Kidding!

As you know from My Baby Tests Me, I have a 'tween. Truth is, I actually have 2. My big girl is almost 11 & my little girl is almost 9 & the general definition of a 'tween is a child between little kid & teenager, generally from 9-12.

Developmental Psychology lists these traits, among others, as key points in the 'tween's matuation process.

• Have a more developed sense of looking into the future and seeing effects of their actions (as opposed to early childhood where children often do not worry about their future).
• Have more realistic job expectations ("I want to be an engineer when I grow up", as opposed to "I want to be a wizard").
• View human relationships differently (i.e. they may notice the flawed, human side of authority figures) .
• Begin to develop a sense of self-identity.
• Have increased feelings of independence.
• Have a different view on morality.
• More mature, sensible, realistic thoughts and actions.

But as Mom, I have noticed that my own children, rather than maturing, appear to be regressing in many ways. Much like my almost-potty-trained 2 year old stopped using the potty when her baby sister was born, my almost 11 year old is now using baby talk. My nearly 9 year old is leaving wads of gum all over our house. I haven't caught the one who has started drawing on walls. No, I'm not kidding. They didn't draw on the walls when they were toddlers or preschoolers, when it was developmentally forgivable, but now when I know they know better, my little artists have become grafitti punks.


We're guessing this is window cleaner
on the Venetian plastered wall-
I think the other tells its own story.



Please examine the evidence. I present you with exhibits A, B, C, D & E.

Being as no amount (Trust me, I'm consistent!) of saying 'no' has helped, I, being a bit of an authoritarian, said enough was enough. I didn't think it was necessary to write a list of rules because I say them often. I was wrong.

I don't have a lot of rules because I believe in kids being kids, but I have a few basics- take care of your things, be polite, pick up after yourself & the biggie: If I tell you to do something, do it. My children have repeatedly tested above grade level, accelerated, & even gifted in school so I thought these covered what needed to be covered.

No.

It didn't cover, "Don't draw on the walls, the floor, the furniture or your bodies."

I didn't even know I'd need one to cover, "Don't spray random liquids around the house."

Gum under the living room writing desk

Apparently, it also didn't cover, "Sharpies are not for everyday doodles."

It sure didn't cover, "Gum belongs only in your mouth or the trash can."

I never dreamed I'd need a rule to cover, "Don't clog the sink with toilet paper," or "Don't paint the bathroom with toothpaste." I couldn't even photograph this nonsense as I flew into hysterics upon discovery of the overt vandalism.

I'm afraid to mention the sudden nudity issue. I'm just going to leave it there.

As I remind gently at first, then with more firmness in my voice, then (as I'm still ignored) more volume, "Pick up your backpacks, put away your shoes, throw your laundry down the chute," I'm met with exasperated sighs of protest, "Mo-o-om! I know!"

Gum at the computer desk,
along with a doodled-upon mousepad

"Well if you know, why aren't you doing? Don't you know this whole conversation can be avoided if you just do it? If you know, why do you wait for me to ask you (rhetorically, of course) & then remind you, & then order you?" We've had that conversation millions of times.

I have definitely mentioned the whole, "Leave my things alone," rule. That one became urgent as my husband & I went to bed one night to the overpowering odors of every cologne I own all sprayed thickly (is thickly a word? It's appropriate.) I believe, directly onto our pillows! Instant headache. Perhaps it was actually an act of love that one or both of them thought this would be sweet, but trust me, it was an assault. I didn't freak out, but I did have to strip the bed, spray down the mattress & pillows with Febreeze, turn the fan on high, wait, then put fresh linens on...at midnight. I can still smell it in my mind....

I can only guess that the one who applied
the Princess decal is not the one who defaced
(with my nail polish)
Snow White's lips red as blood....
on MY craft desk!

The fact that they have lived in the suburbs their whole lives seems to diminish the sarcasm of the phrase, "Were you raised in a barn?" They look baffled when that one comes up. I say, "Your room is a pig sty!" & am greeted with blank expressions, as though they cannot possibly comprehend what a pig sty is.

I've tried using fear to motivate. "Spiders hide in clutter," I tell them. I know this to be true. I've laundered many a spider when I've sorted the clothes on the basement floor but didn't get to them right away. I either see them scurry away when I pick up the pile or I see them drowned when I transfer the load to the dryer. And then I do the heeby-jeeby dance that I picked it up unwittingly. This is also why I will not go into the dungeon without shoes!

I've tried the guilt-trip. Why won't you just do this for me? I wash your clothes. I make your breakfast. Just put your shoes away for me. It got me nowhere. And I annoy myself.

I've done the drill sargeant thing. Pick up your shoes! One pair & one pair only can be in the tray at the door! All others belong in your bedroom closet! The one pair you leave at the door must be the pair you intend to wear! When everyone leaves in the morning, the only pair there should be mine! Now! Get your shoes! Move it! The black Mary Janes! The sneakers! The Crocs! Move, move move! Yeah, I hate that. I can't keep up with that. I'm still trying to train them, but that's exhausting.

We've tried punishments & rewards. They are just too _______. Fill in the blank. Spoiled? Stubborn? Apathetic? Complacent? It just isn't enough motivation. Stickers, my ass. My kids want new iPods! Not gonna happen.

So this past weekend, I decide that I will remove the guesswork. I will post house rules so that they cannot claim they do not understand the expectations. I wanted to keep it simple. I tried that psychology tip of phrasing in positives instead of negatives (ie, instead of saying, no lying, I wrote, tell the truth.) I just did it this weekend. I don't know yet if it will work. I did write a few of my own & then ask for contributions. I tried to keep it easy. Afterall, if God can make do with 10, we ought to be able as well. We have 9 so far...



The culprit herself added #9

 So reviewing the developmental characteristics list,  I'm not sure when I'm supposed to see that maturity thing starting, but they're getting that whole self-identity thing down. Good for them.

I'd certainly like to see the independence thing wait to surface until they have the maturity for it. Clearly they don't yet possess sensible or realistic thoughts & actions...not when I find a tub of caramel apple dip hidden under the bed & Mrs. Butterworth's behind the chest in the family room.

I still wonder where the concern for their future lies, because I didn't see 'budding vandals' on the list anywhere.