Baby, What I Wouldn't Give...

My peaceful retreat

I'm sleep-obsessed. I admit  it. I'm not sure there is such a thing as 'enough sleep.' I really don't know how this happened to me, but I do know when it began. I know that I used to sleep....

When I was a child, I slept. I shared not only a room, but a full sized bed with my sister for several years. I'm certain there was sleep (when there wasn't fighting) because my mother came to wake us up for school, & either she was the meanest of mean, or we were hard to wake up....she'd flip on the overhead light & pull the blankets off! So rude! (I love you, Momma.)

When we travelled to visit our extended family, I'd sleep in the car on the way there.  We stay at various aunts & uncles houses. Usually we stayed at Aunt Pat's & we camped out on the living room floor. A blanket or sleeping bag & a pillow & 6 other kids....& I slept. Sometimes I'd get lucky enough to claim the couch or love seat, but I was one of the younger kids, so, sometimes not...

At Aunt Clara's, I slept on the floor between my cousins' beds. Their bedroom was just like my sister's & mine, only they had the yellow version of the bedding & we had the blue, & they had 2 twin beds & we had the full...but the point was, I was able to sleep.

not the most comfortable of beds

My family used to camp for vacation in a pop-up trailer. My sister & I had to share one of the outcroppings with the foam mat. Even in the rain, whereby if you hit the side of the tent it would leak, I slept. In the heat & humidity, with bugs, I slept.

I went to sleep-overs & slumber parties & I slept. I went to college & I slept. I could hear various things through the night from the hallway in the dorm or outside the window, or under my loft if my roommate or I had visitors staying over...heck, she snored, yet I slept.

Home for the summers & after college, when my younger brother stole my room (wink, wink), his friends came in & out through the night, walking past my new door & I slept through it all....for the most part.

My husband & I lived over a crazy woman in our 1st apartment, & he'd wake me up to listen to her freak-outs & rants at 3 am, or cooing to her kitties. I could've slept through it. I'd sleep on airplanes & on road trips- 20 minutes in & I'm out....

And then there was pregnancy......& I no longer slept. First there was waking up in the middle of the night to pee. Then there was massive discomfort. Really, being told to sleep on my left side was pressure I just didn't need when I am a natural right side sleeper. And then there was baby.... I know all parents relate to the middle of the night awakenings.

But I'd wake for everything. I'd wake up at any change in the rhythm of her breathing. I'd wake up if my husband rolled over. I'd wake up if my dog got up to secure the perimeter. I'd wake up when the neighbors across the street came home after closing down the bar or when the neighbors next door left for work at 5 AM. Sometimes I'd wake myself because I dreamed my alarm was beeping or I was fearful I wouldn't ake up when I was supposed to be.... 

It wasn't until we moved into a bigger home & the girls had their own rooms that my older daughter learned to sleep without waking up & coming into our bed. She was 7. I mean, there were times when she didn't wake up & would sleep through the night in her bed, but if she woke up, she returned to us...

My little one- she's usually the easier sleeper, she'll go to bed willingly. In fact, she'll tell us that she's tired & ask to go to sleep. Girl after my own heart. The older one doesn't believe she's ever tired. But my little one is 8 (& a 1/2) now...& she still occasionally wakes in the middle of the night to tell me she can't sleep...which usually means, she's about to take my spot in the bed & snuggle until I wake up & then she sleeps solidly until morning....

Doodle's bed- -my bed
What's wrong with this picture?  

Really, everybody seems to like my bed best. You see here who's bed is unoccupied & where she was snoozing.

When it seemed like a might get a decent night's rest again, I started waking to use the potty again....well, I'm not pregnant (ain't no way, no how) so I conclude that 40 sucks. Only it wasn't that I was coming up on 40 that sucked so much, I'd become diabetic. Now that sucks....

So I developed a very close relationship with my doctor as we mapped out a plan to get my glucose levels controlled & I was doing pretty well. Until...

Not quite a year ago, I noticed that I was tired ALL the time. I got so tired that my whole day was spent trying to NOT fall asleep. It was like I was narcoleptic! If I gave in & took a nap, I’d sleep for hours, even though I was getting 7 or so every night. I mentioned this to my dr. He asked for clarification. I guess I'm what you call a light sleeper. I wake easily, & if I've had 2-3 hours already, then I have trouble falling back to sleep. I hear the dogs' nocturnal wanderings. I hear my furnace or air conditioning turn on & shut off. I hear the bubbles in the fish tank & then I have to pee...& that's it. Once I've gotten up, then I'm up.

He talked to me about sleep apnea. I was insistent that I didn’t have apnea. My father has it. My brother has it. I do not have it. I'm a lady. Haha! Seriously though, I know what it is & I know the symptoms & I know what it sounds like & I'm certain that I don't have it. There must be another reason for my fatigue. I try to exercise but I’m just too tired. I try to diet even better, because I gain & lose the same 8 pounds repeatedly. I lost nothing. My dr said I should go to this sleep study... & I must have had some look on my face because he says, “What do you have to lose? Even if we just rule it out?” Everyone with apnea snores. I mentioned that my husband doesn’t think I snore, he says it’s only if I have a cold. I got the amused smile & nod, “If you ask a woman if her husband snores, she can tell you yes or no. If you ask a man if his wife snores, only about ½ of them know.”

So I went & it was miserable. I had wires glued all over my head, including my face. They were glued to my arms & legs & beltedat my chest & to my waist. Horrendous. Humiliating. Hateful. The worst one was the ‘snore mic’ right on the front of my throat. I may be a little claustrophobic & this was Hell.

Clearly, this isn't me, but it shows well the
torture devices to which I was attached
& with which I was expected to sleep.

I did my best to sleep, but every time I moved, I pulled the wires free from my legs & they had to come in & reattach them. I was uncomfortable & annoyed which didn't exactly help me sleep. Add to that full knowledge of the video camera recording your every move & the foreign sounds & smells & awareness that this isn't your own bed...it's a recipe for agony. To quote Dante from Clerks, "I'm not even supposed to be here today." (I felt that through & through.)

Now let me just tell you, at home, I sleep with a fan on because I get warm when I sleep & I get to feeling like I can’t breathe when it get too warm, or I feel trapped if I can’t kick my feet out from under the blankets now & then. I didn't bring a big Vortex fan with me to the sleep study, but I did bring my sound machine so I could listen to the 'waves' that I listen to every night. It didn't help. At home, I sleep with my door open. I'm happy with my bed. I brought my pillows with me, but not the bed, & I couldn't leave the door open.

So I endured the wretched night... I felt like I didn’t sleep at all. I heard a voice saying my name & it was 5 am & the study was over...I felt like I'd only just drifted off.  I actually asked if I slept & they said I did enough, letting me know that it most definitely wasn’t enough for me. I’d heard others say they knew before they left that they did have the apnea…so I asked if I snored. The tech looked a little embarrassed & said that I did, but it was very soft & that they probably wouldn’t have picked it up without the mic on my throat. She said she couldn’t tell me whether I had apnea or not, but she did comment on how much I moved my legs & kicked. That didn’t really surprise me.

A couple of days later, I get an envelope in the mail from the sleep study lab. It's a bill for $512.00! I'd say that's a litle more to lose than a night of sleep... I called the billing number provided & inquired. Apparently there was a clerical error & all the numbers (group number & identification number both) from my insurance card were put on 1 line, so that it was unrecognizable... so that was straightened out & billed to insurance & presumably paid because I never got another bill.

So my results came back & I do not have sleep apnea. Shocker. Can you tell your doctor I told ya so? I don't really know why I am -but I'm sleeping a little better these days, when my husband doesn't talk to me at 3 am & when my old lady dog doesn't wake me, or the kids don't climb in bed with me- I'm just grateful that I am. This morning my little one announced that she couldn't sleep, climbed into bed with us, & ended my rest... My husband got up for work & found me here at the computer, "What's Annie doing in our bed?" I answerd that she couldn't sleep. "She's sleeping fine now. Why are you up?" I just looked at him. He nodded. "Because Annie's asleep in our bed, " he answered himself.

It's going on 11 years since I've been a mother since I've had more than a random, good night's sleep. Wonder if it will ever happen again?