Baby, I Live in the State of Denial

Denial. Is there an honest one among us who hasn't used this approach toward all kinds of unpleasant subjects?

birthdays are celebrated

I've been smacked in the face with a whole lotta reality lately, & let me tell you, it ain't fun. I am not enjoying it. This is probably why I need a diversion like changing my hair...so I can delay what I can no longer deny.

Let me set you up- I have great friends. I think they are the kind of people that would drop whatever they are doing & help you out of a bind. There are some I am closer to than others & that's natural, but I think even the ones I'm not as close with would help me out if I asked, within reason & even beyond reason....because they are good people. Some of them talk too loud, drink too much & smoke more than they should...but they all know how to laugh & they greet everyone with open arms.

The odd thing about this bunch, & I acknowledge that it is truly odd in this world today, is that most of us went to high school together. We weren't all in the same classes. We didn't even all hang out with each other then...but after reunions & classmates & facebook, we've found a core of us are still local & still enjoy each other's company, & in many cases, their spouse's company too. (Now get your mind out of the gutter! I mean we've made new friends in them!)

I had a friend say to me nearly 20 years ago, "We're the kind of friends that will always be close. Even if we go 20 years without talking or seeing each other, when we do, we'll pick right back up where we left off & it will be like no time has even passed." Time has passed & we have grown, & I do count him & his wife my friends.

any excuse to get together

But pick right up I did with another, she found me on classmates just before my reunion. Love ya, girlfriend!! We'd meet up once a month or so to have dinner & drinks, or scrapbook & it was like no time had passed at all. Between us, we connected with a huge segment of our high school gang. She was awesome about organizing gatherings. Someone dubbed them Focus Group. This is where I met another gal. We'd gone to high school together too, but didn't know each other. It's crazy how we just clicked. We felt like we'd known each other our whole lives!



So there's a bunch of us & they're really great people & we, as a collective whole, have been hit with some rough stuff lately... Some big, major, life-chaging, get-a-grip, challenges have been thrown this way.


There are a few cancers. There are a few divorces & separations, infidelity. There's been infertility & miscarriage. There is unemployment. There are job transfers & moves. There have been accidents. There has been unexplained illness, a real medical mystery. There is high blood pressure, heart disease & diabetes. There've been 2 who've had surgery for chronic back pain. There are ailing, aging parents & special needs children. I'm sure there are other conditions of which I know nothing.


That's when these friends pull together. We support each other. The occasional cattiness is put aside & there they are with a kind word, a smile or a hug just when it is needed most. The outpouring of love for our dear friend. who is much too young to be dealing with a heart condition, has been amazing! She got hit with the wake-up call, but we were all on the line.


There are more vows to quit smoking than I have ever heard...& I hope they follow through, not just in support, but for themselves. I know it's hard. I did it myself 6 years ago.

We crown princesses.

I don't think anyone's talking about giving up drinking...I mean, good God, that's drastic! Well, they talk about it every Saturday & Sunday morning, but I don't think anyone is really going to do it. I probably drink the least of any of them. I don't have any moral objections to it, I just simply don't because it messes with my blood sugar...& my train of thought, speech, large motor skills....

The heavier ones among us are going to have to get in shape or end up with the same problems. Ugh. That means me. We have pretty much the same body type. The horror of the sweat that is sure to come has me bargaining with my brain. Logic & fact are battling with rationalization & denial. It gives me a headache & a reason to postpone what I don't want to face. Delay & deny are BFFs.


The truth is, I eat well. A little too well apparently...wink, wink. No really. The food I eat is usually very healthy. It might be a little heavy on beef, but I swear it's the lower fat beef. It might be a little heavy on cheese, but I don't drink as much milk as I used to, so I still need my calcium. Right? Right. But what I mean is, I eat mt veggies. I love them. I eat whole grains, brown rice, & fruit. I eat protein & fiber & dairy. I use Splenda in my coffee & my steel cut oats.


My snacks are unpredictable. I don't always have snacks & sometimes I am fine. Sometimes my blood sugar drops & I am not so fine. Whether it be low blood sugar bitchies or the girly hormones, you don't want to mess with me when I need food. I could, figuratively speaking of course, cut your eyes out for looking at me wrong. I could cry & be unable to stop. I could develop a headache so severe, I can't breathe without causing myself excess pain. And even if you wanna kicky my butt, biology already did. So I guess I need to ask my doc about these things. I'm not really sure what to do with it. I do know I most definitely get cyclical cravings...salty, sweet, fatty, oooh, all 3 at once please. I might binge on 1 more of these items for 2 or 3 days once a month, but then I go back to being pretty good & choosing pretty wisely & exercising reasonable self-control . Gotta exercise something some time, right?


But I know, with support, I can start to make the changes. If we work together to heal one, we can work together to heal all. My friend is obviously in need of recovery time. She'll be quite restricted on diet & activity, so I'll get right on board with her, starting in about 5 weeks....

We all deserve to be princesses!

What?!

Denial... Don't call me. I'll call you. I've got your number.

Baby, I'm Bored

totally natural

I need a change. I think it's going to be my hair. I'm bored with my look.

I’d like to drop 20 or 50 or 70 pounds, but that isn’t going to happen overnight, & I want something nearly instantaneous. I want a pick-me-up. I need it.

I don’t want to cut my hair. I like having a ponytail on a daily basis. It’s bone straight & baby fine, so I don’t want a lot more layers- they just make it look thin.

I have been playing with my make-up again, a little bit, here & there, when I wear it. That’s been fun.

bolder 2-toned streaks

So I guess it’s back to the hair… For about a year I’ve been wearing it with long layers with 2 tones of caramel highlights. My natural hair is what the hairdresser calls a #5, a dark brown, but not the darkest of browns. It also has a lot of natural silver highlighting. More silver now than last year… The last time she did my honey-toned highlights, she asked me if she could put some brown coloring in between…. What’s that tell you?

I’m not afraid to be salt-and-pepper. I’m not afraid to go totally gray. Men go gray. I'm a anything-they-can-do-we-can-do kind of chick. I’m just not ready for it yet. A friend of mine says she doesn't color her hair because she wants to, she does it because she has to. Hogwash! You too can be distinguished at 40 if you so desire. When I first started getting the silvery strands in noticeable numbers, I left them alone. Well, the very 1st, I plucked because I was only 13!! But once I got to be over 35 I kind of left them alone. There are just too many to pluck.

I'm pretty low-maintence in the grooming departments. I don't like to spend a lot of time or money on it. I did all that when I was younger & I'm kind of over it. Let's face it, it's not going to take off 20 years or 20 pounds. Though spending an hour or 2 in front of the mirror taking care of only me does bring a certain amount of indulgence with it. There's a luxury not many moms have. Harkens me back to college when a bartender I fancied called me "Fresh Lid" because I changed my hair color, style & cut so frequently. Ahhhhh, Yeah, I'm over it.

There are beautiful, famous celebrities that are totally gray- Paula Deen, Jamie Lee Curtis, & style maven Stacy London, who is approximately my age. Check it out: http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/beauty/hair/celebrity-gray-hairstyles I'd feel perfectly justified in going silver. It's my hair afterall. But why already? I mean, I'd just get bored & have to change it again before it ever came in fully natural. I cropped the ends out of the photo above that show a slightly off tint from a grown-out coloring.

colored my 'natural' color

When I saw some of those pictures of myself, & I noticed that the dark parts of my hair were darker & the silver didn't glint the way it does under bright lights & sun.... It looked very flat, dull, & almost too dark for my skin tone. Then a few more slivers of silver showed themselves. And a few more. My hairdresser was still supportive, that they weren’t prolific enough to whole-head dye. (I like change, but I don’t like maintenance.) But I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror once & I kid you not, my hair looked dusty! Seriously!! Me!! I've always had compliments on my hair from it being shiny, or soft & silky, to holding it’s shape or even being thick to growing fast……& now it’s grayed out so much that it looked drab & dusty! Dusty equals bad. So I dyed it my natural color. And it just came off like black to me. I don't think hair looks right when it's 3 shades darker than the eyebrows.

the subtle highlights

So I made an appointment. I went for all over copper highlights. It was subtle. Almost too subtle. It definitely warmed it up, took away the dusty cast, but didn’t wow me. I didn’t bother with a touch up for almost 6 months when I went for bolder, more caramel colors with a new stylist. And I like it. A year later, I still like them, but I feel bored. I feel like it is time to change. I read in the magazines that going into fall, darker, richer, warmer colors are going to be IT.

I’ve had every color under the sun. I've chosen pics here to illustrate, when my hair is pretty much the same length in each. I can’t say I make a good blonde, so I left that out. I always got the most enthusiastic responses when I was a redhead, but maybe that's 'cause I was young & thin (& stacked! LoL!) It’s a tough call for me since my husband claims he doesn’t care for red hair, even though it was red when we met & started dating…& got married. I haven’t been a redhead since my 8 year old was in the womb. I don’t pick my clothes or style my hair based on my husband’s tastes, but I do appreciate it when he finds me attractive… With more than a decade behind us, it’s nice to know he does.

a dark auburn

I know I don’t want to try blonde again. Even though I’m sure that a good colorist can find a blonde shade that would flatter me, I have nightmares of the maintenance. So do I pick a chocolately, velvety brown? A rich caramel? A chestnutty choice? A sweet sable? Or do I venture back to the reds? A blazing sunset? A copper penny? A fiery auburn? If you have an opinion, offer it up. I know what I'm leaning toward & you might just get me to go through with it or bring me to my senses.

Baby, I Need a Fix

Endorphins.... I hear that word related to things that are supposed to make you feel good. I don't think I have them, or at least, enough of them. I never get that 'runner's high' I've heard about. The fact that I don't run is beside the point. As I understand it, that feeling is supposed to accompany all exercise. A good work out is supposed to give you energy & make you feel good. This has never been the case for me. It makes me sweaty....

I hate sweating. There is nothing that feels good about slippery, smelly, salty droplets falling into my eyes, or rolling down between my boobs, or soaking my crotch so it looks as though I've wet my pants. It gets stickier & stinkier as it dries when cooling down. Where is the pleasure in this?

As for the rest of the workout, well, that's a lot of bouncing or friction. Niether of which I particularly enjoy. Sore muscles often follow. I really don't see any fun in it. Seriously, where are my endorphins?

I heard these magical, mystery things were supposed to accompany breastfeeding too. I read in multiple books that these hormones would be released while feeding my baby. I didn't get them. No fair!! My friend said I'd feel peaceful & relaxed from these endorphins. I call BS. My peace & relaxation came only from the ability to stop the crying & fussing preceding said feeding & relief of the pain in my breasts indicating that it was time to do so. The relaxation was more like forced confinement to the only chair in our house that had adequate arm support, back support, & still left room on my lap for the baby.

Just so there are no misunderstandings, I love my babies. I nursed them for multiple reasons & would do so again. I recommend breastfeeding to all new moms- it's nature's perfect food, it's always ready & available at the proper temperature, there's nothing to pack & carry or sterilize....but those endorphins are a weak selling point. In a woman whose body is already raging with hormones, selling her on another is a bad idea.

Especially if she's me- impatient, prone to crying jags, sentimental attachments, & bursts of annoyance... I really wanted these elusive endorphins & I pretty much feel cheated out of them. My hormones are up, down, & every which way & there is one that is supposed to be stabilizing & comforting & I got ripped off!! I call foul.

I didn't get them from breastfeeding. I don't get them from exercise. WTF? Clearly, I do have hormones doing what they are supposed to do. I mean, I'm a girl. It's obvious I'm a girl. I'm relatively free of body hair & I have boobies. I gave birth to 2 beautiful children. Those hormones are working.

But apparently not all of them are... I don't get enough insulin. There are people way fatter than me that aren't diabetic. Older than me. Less active than me. No freakin' fair.

And then the endorphins.... The feel happy, content, relaxation hormone.... I mean, theorhetically, I'd like to like exercise. I'd like to get thin & fit & enjoy it. If I got that endorphin boost, maybe it would all fall into place. I could whittle a waist, reverse my diabetes, & feel calm, content... But I don't get them. Are people lying to me? Is this a giant hoax? I'm pretty well convinced it's a scam.

I don't need the biggest house. I don't want the fanciest car. I don't care about designer clothes. I don't have to be the cutest chick at the party to find my self-worth. But dangitall, why can't doing something I'm supposed to be doing, that I hate doing, have the side effect for me that makes me want to keep doing it? I have limited motivation! I'm into immediate gratification! Is there a supplement for this?

Seriously, there's a Wikipedia entry all about endorphins. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Endorphin You know if it's on Wiki, it must be true.