Out with the Old, Baby!

For those of you who have asked, thanks, & here's why there haven't been many enties from me this past month. I wasn't fully in the spirit. I know it's kind of shocking. But honestly, I was really pretty bipolar about Christmas this year. I was the normal excited to celebrate with my family & to enjoy everything with my kids, but I faced another tradition with dread. I felt stress & annoyance at the whole idea of it. Christmas Eve with my husband's family...ugh.

I told myself when I started writing that it wouldn't be a place to air my issues with those people, but you know what? It's my life. It's my story. People say that if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all....but I can't deny a whole huge portion of what affects me to please people there's no pleasing, to respect people I don't respect, or to be nice to people who frankly, haven't been nice....I won't go overboard because I love my husband & I respect him, but I feel what I feel & I can & will share what gets to me for better or worse.


Merry Christmas, right? Right?!



As I look back over our history, it occurred to me that I have never actually looked forward to Christmas at my in-laws, but I have never faced it with anxiety & loathing. Of course, I have never been stuck with people with whom I have such little patience or tolerance. We had some disagreements. I put my foot down & a few of them can't deal with it. Too freakin' bad, right? I get to say what happens inside my home & to my kids &, as I actually had to say to my mother in law, she doesn't. We had it out & that's on her because she couldn't mind her own damn business & I'd been pushed enough. Had she kept quiet, so would have I. The difference is, I can be angry & move on. She seems to enjoy the grudge. I contend that it is why her 2 daughters don't speak to each other, & why she doesn't speak to her own siblings...or hadn't in 40 years.

I can talk through an issue or 200 & reach a compromise, I can agree to disagree & I can forgive...if I am acknowledged. If I am treated fairly. If I am given the respect I deserve as a good wife to your son/brother & a good mother to your grandchildren/neices...& I am those things. At a minimum, I meet those expectations...Of course, that has not happened. I repeatedly reached out to them to work through our issues (all of which stem from, in my less than humble opinion, the refusal to let us be independent from control & dominance, complete lack of respect for us as adults, as parents, & a stubborn unwillingness to admit any wrongdoing or make any real apology for it.) I was repeatedly ignored. So when they asked my husband what I wanted for Christmas, my answer was nothing. I want nothing from them. I want to be left alone. Anything else is too little too late.

The woman actually expected me to come to her house & eat & exchange gifts & pleasantries as though we have a relationship. She expected this without apologizing to me or my daughter for barging into our home & verbally assaulting my daughter (for what I feel was justifiable anger at her, no less) then turning her wrath upon me, in front of my daughter, because I dared to stop her. She seems to have expected this despite the fact that she ignored me & my efforts to make peace on multiple occassions. She expected this despite not having made any attempt to speak to me at various school & public social functions which we have both attended. She seemingly expected this without even bothering to invite me!

Why would I put myself through that? Why would I think I would be welcomed? So I rode a roller coaster of emotion because I did not want to keep my children from their family, but I did not want to be there or without my kids either. There was no winning. The woman said to my husband, "She can't put it aside for one day?" Sure. Sure I could. I chose not to for the point of it, because I'm not a hypocrite. Maybe I would have had the right thing been said, the right offer made...but no attempt was made, so what's the point? I didn't miss them & I'd bet it was mutual. I chose to let there be peace on earth & I truly can't look at them without negative feelings rising up to choke me, so I made the decision to stay away from the negativity.

I'm not sure what I am supposed to do with the gifts they sent home for me. I suppose I can drop them at Goodwill. I haven't opened them. I don't really want them. I'm curious as to the point of them. Bribery? Peace offering? What? What would you buy for someone you've treated like an insect for 3/4 of a year? The last few years as our conflicts grew increasingly tense, I noticed that very few of my presents were for me anyway. They were what I call family gifts- things we all use...sheets, towels, dishes. I think in the previous 2 years, I got 1 thing that was a) just for me & b) something I'd actually wanted. I still like my Vera Bradley purse.

In the end, Christmas Eve was fine. It was bearable. I finished wrapping last gifts & watched a decent movie. I reflected on the lovely day at my family gathering the day before & I anticipated the excitement of our private, little family celebration on Christmas morning.

I was angry at them all. Admittedly, I still am because I see it as unresolved. But I'm moving on... 1 thing I found out through the trials of the past year is that I don't need to dwell. I've been fine. If they want it this way, they'll have it this way until they accept my boundaries or die bitter & alone....I have better things to do. And they don't deserve that kind of power over my life. In refusing to give them one type of power I unknowingly gave up another. No more. It ends now.

I look forward to the new year. Usually I think, whatevs. But this year, I've got plans. Last year was a bitch to me & this year, I'm going to be the bitch!! Last year, I wouldn't share my resolutions. I said, "If I am successful, then you will all know." I was successful. I did share. I didn't say, hey, this was a new year's resolution....but I met each of them. Thanks for the help on the way. For 2011, I have a few more...& because it worked out so much better for me to make it a private goal, that's what I am doing again. If it works out, you'll know it. Keep your fingers crossed. Send me some good luck vibes. Say a prayer. Whatever works...because my goals this new year are pretty huge.

*By the way, my father in law is exempt from all of that & so is the sister in law & her family that are autonomous.

Everybody's an Expert, Baby

So, it's time to come out with it. I break things. I break things frequently. I'm talking about my toes. I'm not really sure what's going on that I keep doing this. I'm pretty sure I'm not that fragile. I love dairy products- milk, cheese, yogurt, ice cream, sour cream, pudding...these are all good sources of calcium. (Yes, pudding!) I also like leafy green vegetables & other sources of the bone-building stuff. And in my little world, I'm not that clutzy. I mean, compared to my husband & older daighter, I'm almost graceful!!

If feet bother you (apparently a lot of people have issues with feet) then you'd best move along. If you can stand it, pardon the pun, then I've collected some interesting (I think) tales for you. And if you're one of those, if you really like feet, well then, I'm about to make your day.

The first time I broke a toe was after my older brother's graduation party from high school. We had an open floor plan where the kitchen, eating area & family room all flowed together. The sofa went across the back of the family room creating the division between the rooms. Because of the party, my mom had set up extra chairs. What should have been open passage was reduced considerably, so walking into the room, I clipped the leg of one of those extra chairs & broke a toe. "GD$#!" (You can go ahead & fill in the expletives with the words of your choice.)

My sister says to me from the kitchen, "I heard that." Yeah, pretty sure the neighbors heard that. I glared at her. "Your toe. I think I heard it break." I'm still hobbling around, swearing. Eeeew. I remember that this party must have been late in June because I had to be helped through the crowds at the fireworks. My whole foot was bruised & swollen & everyone said, "There's nothing to do for it. You just have to wait til it heals."

I don't know from whom, when, or how many breaks later, I was still getting advice:
    You wanna ice that.
     Prop it up, slow the swelling.
     Did you try heat?
     You know what you need? A coupla shots of vodka!
     You should tape it.
     All they'll do is tape it.
     Why don't you wrap that?
     Stay off your feet. (yeah, right, for 2-3 weeks?)
     Don't take aspirin. You can take Tylenol, but no blood-thinners.
     Go get drugs.
     It's just jammed.
     You can't bend it if it's broken. Try to move it.
     Now you're probably going to get arthritus. (This one was new to me.)

I believe most of it is well-meaning. Nothing wrong with most of it. I've just heard it all, that's all.

I have one toe that I literally crushed. It took months to heal. It still hurts occasionally for no apparent reason & I have lost the ability to move it independently. My foot is now a flipper. It is all or nothing. I wish I'd gone to the doctor for that one.

So for the latest...On Thanksgiving day, I was putting a small Christmas tree on the front porch. It was raining. I would have gone barefoot but for the rain, so I slip on my Crocs which are ever-present at the front door precisely because they are so easy to slip on & off to go get the mail & other whatnots. So I slip on my Crocs...I put the tree out, come back for the wreath, & awaaaaaay I go! BAM!

I go sliding on the tile & crash into the corner. Because I was already annoyed (the why is irrelevant) I didn't realize how hurt I was. I just kept moving. I finished the porch project & as I was going upstairs to shower, the pain really set in. I slipped off my Croc & examined my foot. Yowza. It was starting to swell.

So I limped around the family Thanksgiving because I was not going to miss it, not for a toe! I was trying to decide whether I 'jammed' it, seeing as how I went sliding into the wall, or whether it had a fracture...& you know, it's a toe. There's no emergency for a toe. I'm not going to go get it x-rayed. But the thing I know about a broken bone is, unless you're a hypochondriac maybe, there's not a lot of guessing. If you think it's broken, if your reaction is, "OMG I just broke it," then you did. I'd bet on it. I've broken all of my little toes & now my right big toe, my pinky finger & my nose. Trust me, I know what broken feels like. I'm amazed & grateful that I've never broken anything major.

Sure, there are different degrees of injury, & here they are: http://kidshealth.org/kid/ill_injure/aches/broken_bones.html
•A complete fracture is when the bone has broken into two pieces.
•A greenstick fracture is when the bone cracks on one side only, not all the way through.
•A single fracture is when the bone is broken in one place.
•A comminuted (say: kah-muh-noot-ed) fracture is when the bone is broken into more than two pieces or crushed.
•A bowing fracture, which only happens in kids, is when the bone bends but doesn't break.
•An open fracture is when the bone is sticking through the skin.

I laugh at the idea that if you can move it, it isn't broken. I moved my nose all over the place & listened to it click. In retrospect, that probably wasn't smart. I'm pretty sure that's from whence my bump comes. So I wish I'd really thought about it with some of the more severe fractures anyway, wish the myths weren't so prevalent. Here are 2 truths we need to know.

http://www.todaysseniorsnetwork.com/foot_care_myths.htm
Myth: A doctor can't fix a broken toe.

Reality: Nineteen of the 26 bones in the foot are toe bones.
"What I tell patients is, there are things we can do to make a broken toe heal better and prevent problems later on, like arthritis or toe deformities," Nava says. Broken toes that aren't treated correctly can also make walking and wearing shoes difficult. A foot and ankle surgeon will x-ray the toe to learn more about the fracture. If the broken toe is out of alignment, the surgeon may have to insert a pin, screw or plate to reposition the bone.


Myth: My foot or ankle can't be broken if I can walk on it.

Reality: It's entirely possible to walk on a foot or ankle with a
broken bone. "It depends on your threshold for pain," as well as the severity of the injury, according to Samuel Nava, DPM, FACFAS, a Dallas-based spokesman for the College. But it's not a smart idea. Walking with a broken bone can cause further damage. It is crucial to stay off an injured foot until diagnosis by a foot and ankle surgeon. Until then, apply ice elevate the foot to reduce pain.

So some of the advice was good...but I knew that. The best thing I heard was an offer to come suck on it. What?! He offered! ;) The meanest was, "That's what you get for wearing Crocs." The world's most comfortable shoe, albeit possibly the ugliest, has a lot less to do with it than the cursed blue tile in the foyer. That's my story & I'm sticking to it.

Here is the second most painful toe break (it's not as bad as the one I think I crushed) & it's healing process. You can laugh at my round, fat toes if you want. I've always known I have Flintstone feet. You can see the strange & distorted shapes of some of those broken toes.

I don't have full mobility in my toe yet. ('Toe' is a really dumb sounding word, isn't it?) I can walk better, less limp. I put on a real shoe, well, a boot, yesterday to go shopping. It hurt a lot when I took it off, but I was ok while I needed to be. I just wonder when I can change my polish...don't want to put too much pressure on this baby.


The day after the crash



4 days after the crash





almost normal- 13 days after

Now, all kinds of people try to tell me that I shouldn't walk around barefoot all the time. I just don't care to read all the info about diabetics & foot care because I know that's mainly for those whose sugar isn't well-controlled & mine is. There's some loss of sensitivity or something & we might not know we've got a cut or splinter or whatever. I'm not blind. I'd see it even if I didn't feel it. Doctors even tell us to sleep with our socks! I cannot sleep with socks on & I don't even put my feet under the blankets most of the night. I don't even mind cold feet. I mind if my whole body is too cold, but my feet can be like icycles before I notice...& no, it's not my diabetic lack of sensitivity. I've always been that way & I haven't always been diabetic.

People also say that you can't stub a toe in a shoe. I think my Crocs have effectively busted that myth. It's obvious I have fat toes & square-ish feet, but what you probably can't see is that I have a high instep. That's not the same as a high arch, which I also have. I have tall feet! It's just hard for me to find a pair of shoes that's comfortable, other than my clown Crocs, that is.

But the other thing is, I kind of control my whole body's temperature by my feet. I don't know why. But if my feet are warm, I'm warm, & I don't like to be overly warm.  I used to go out to the street to get the mail barefoot in the snow because it was quicker than putting on shoes. I used to be able to walk on gravel barefoot too, though I think I only weighed about 60 pounds.

Feet are built to be tough, that's the point. They're tough & we abuse them & then we see how much we really use them....so we ought to take care of them. We miss them when they don't work. We feel them, a lot, when they cause us pain, so let's treat them right. Let's all go get pedicures!! That's my expert advice.

Maybe I'm Just a Sap

There are 2 days until Thanksgiving.
In this crazy, commercialized land of plenty of I wants, I will take a moment to list most of that for which I am grateful.

My parents- who are still alive & kicking, relatively healthy, who live a quick 5 minutes' drive away, who are kind, accepting, forgiving & generous, with their money, their time & their hearts.
My siblings & their spouses- who are relatives but also friends who've grown with me & fought with me & laughed with me, who've cried with me & played with me & loved me.
My husband- my partner, my friend, my love who accepts me & challenges me & spoils me, is strong for me, who lets me be me & is always there for me.
My daughters- who love me, need me & hug me, who learn from me & teach me & always make me proud.
My nieces & nephews- who are such a pleasure to see because they are all so charming & talented & smart!
My aunts, uncles & cousins- a vast & varied bunch, they are friendship & a shared history, a sense of belonging to something in a big, wide world.
My Doodle- & even Gary- that's unconditional love through & through, constant companionship & a source of entertainment.
My friends- my cherished peeps with whom I can be myself, be silly, vent my frustrations, get a fresh perspective, lean on for support...they are a crazy & wonderful, essential part of my life.
My country- for freedom, for protected rights, for relative wealth & health & safety...
Our military- for protecting that freedom & preserving that health, wealth & safety, for giving up theirs so that we can enjoy ours.
Firefighters, Police, EMS- our 1st respondants to emergencies, people who risk their lives to save ours every day in every town.
Service people- for doing such oft thankless jobs that few others want to do, washing dishes, making beds, waiting tables, collecting trash, cleaning sewage, & all the other grunge work that gives us such a high quality of life in the US.
Teachers & school staff- for enriching our children's lives, educating the masses, ensuring their safety & well-being while they are in your care.
Doctors & Nurses, medical personell- for taking care of us when we feel our worst as well as when we're at our best, delivering our babies & seeing our grandparents are comfortable in their last days...
Our President (& other government representatives)- for leading our nation to the best of their ability, doing a difficult job amidst much criticism, trying to fulfill their promises & reach compromises so they can do the best they can for those who elected them, for serving with integrity & honor & hope & working everyday to make the country & the worls a better place....

Other things for which I feel thankful....
indoor plumbing
showers
clean drinking water
toothbrushes & toothpaste
soap, shampoo & conditioner
deodorant
refrigeration
safe food sources & plenty of it
household appliances
heat & air conditioning
electricity
automobiles
telephones
medical advances
postal delivery
coffee
books & libraries
trees
changing seasons
computers
clothing
hair coloring & make-up & jewelry (Makes being a girl a lot more fun!)

And because we're so accustomed to taking so much for granted, I'm sure these lists are terribly incomplete.

Happy Thanksgiving to all my 3 readers. :~) Take a moment to appreciate all the joys in this life, work toward extending it beyond our own little bubbles, & pray for peace...

Who Loves Ya, Baby?

I don't believe in Karma. I want to- it sounds so great! Who doesn't want people to get what they deserve, both good & bad? What comes around goes around.... really? WHEN?!

Then there's faith. It's all part of God's plan, people will tell you. And because it's God, you're supposed to be ok with it, even if His plan sucks completely. I can't help but wonder if He thought about how these plans intertwined & overlapped. And when one will end so we can start a new plan, a better plan.

It's not that I think everything is horrible. I don't. I just don't think everything is as great as it could be. People like to say things like, "Life isn't fair." Well, that's crap. It's true, but it's still crap. 'Life isn't fair' isn't an excuse to go out & with an 'every man for himself' attitude & take what you can get. That stinks. Life ought to be fair. We should be doing what we can to even things out. And I'm not talking politics.

If we lived our lives by The Golden Rule, things would be better, all around, for everybody. If we all just took a moment to think, would I like that? Would that help me? Would that hurt me? Sure it's simplistic. Life is easy when we don't let selfishness & greed & anger get in the way.

No one is infallible- I get angry. I get really angry sometimes, & sometimes it's about stupid stuff. The little stupid stuff that's so easy to avoid are probably the things that irk me the most. Just pick up after yourselves. If you put away what you get out, there's nothing to freak out about. I'm not complaining about doing the dusting or the vacuuming or even the dishes (when they're in the kitchen) or the laundry (when it's been tossed down the chute) but I do & will continue to get steamed by dishes & laundry all over the house, shoes & books in my path, things that prevent me from doing the chores, like dusting & vacuuming, that no one person creates. Eventually I get over it.

But I do think putting yourself in the other's shoes would alleviate these conflicts. How would you feel? If I tell you that your stuff all over the place is like noise in my brain, the more there is the louder it is...could you understand that? That the visual clutter is like a band where each member is playing a different song, full blast? Would it make you feel like you were cared for, loved, respected & appreciated if that was continually ignored? I don't expect perfection, but an attempt would be great. Just a little effort would go a long way.

Today started badly for me, but I refuse to let it take me down. In the spirit of the upcoming holiday, I have decided to take the things that those with whom I live haven't put away. We will see how much those items are appreciated. It's done & over. I'm not going to dwell on it.

Instead I've decided to count my blessings, to think of the things I love about each one of them, the bonds that keep me here with them willingly through the struggles. I've decided to focus on the good in them. Because, regardless of my dissatisfaction at times, I know it is there.

My husband- He's smart. He works hard to provide for us. He has a strong sense of family. He is funny, wickedly funny at times. He does the grocery shopping. He's a great daddy. He's a good cook. He lets me have the remote. He does pitch in when he sees the stress I feel. He throws out odd, pop-culture references that he should be too young to have heard 1st hand. He reminds me to play. He's good-looking. He can still take my breath away. And the rest is a bit... personal. ; )

My first daughter- She's smart. She's goofy. She's genuinely concerned for others' feelings. (Not mine of course, other others!) She's generous. She's a free-spirit. She possesses athletic & musical talent. She's adventurous. She's outgoing. She projects self-confidence. She stands behind her convictions. She's energetic. She's beautiful.

My second daughter- She's smart. She's silly. She's a sunny personality. She's my snugglebunny. She's kind. She's affectionate. She's sensitive. She's creative & artistic. She is well-behaved, but ornery too. She is a bit of a fashionista. She's feminine, very girly. She's beautiful.

Obviously these lists aren't complete. Some qualities can't be put into words, or perhaps I just lack the talent to do so. But these are the things I hold in my heart. Not the talking-back. Not the overflowing backpacks in the entryway. Not the glass of apple cider that no one will claim. It's the spontaneous hugs & kisses, the fits of giggles & pride when they help another that I carry with me every day. It's good to take some time to really refect on the things & people that matter. In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I urge you to count your blessings & be grateful for what you have.

I don't know. If you believe in God, maybe this is His plan & the rest is just the players going off-script. If you believe in Karma, maybe you do get what you give, because other than the mess, I've got no complaints. (About the people! I do have a few about some of their actions!! I'm me afterall.) I think I've been a decent person & I think I've got a wonderful family & fantastic friends to show for it. I'm a very lucky woman. Afterall, they love me.

Baby, I'm Not Making a Fruit Salad

I stopped by my parents' house yesterday. My mom is a vocal supporter of my efforts here. She suggested this topic so I hope I do her justice.

Women's clothing designers & manufacturers, have you not yet noticed that all women's bodies are not the same? Sure, you try to seduce us with claims of "expanded sizing" but what I find is that this just means bigger hips! I don't have big hips. Look, I learned about apples, pears & sticks in 8th grade. I think they were technically labelled mesomorph, endomorph & ectomorph & I can't promise you I have them in the corresponding order, but the lesson was learned. There are 3 body types. Can't you please make clothes that fit all 3?

The apple is the round body. This is when a person puts weight on predominantly around the midsection. This is my body. I have broad shoulders, a large bust & a constant source of anxiety or annoyance, a large belly. Proportionally, I have a smaller bum, hips & thighs. My body is the exact opposite of a pear shape, which puts weight on around the hips, thighs & bum. They get to keep a smaller waist in comparison to their hips. They may be so lucky as to retain that hourglass shape regardless of their size. And then there are the sticks. The women who are straight up & down no matter which way you look at them- no bust, no hips, no waist. I think you can visualize.

How do you expect us all to wear your clothing when you don't make different shapes? Am I supposed to enjoy wearing a potato sack? Because that's about all I can find! I should want to look like a potato because I enjoy eating them? I get that I could & should lose a few pounds. But lemme tell ya, ill-fitting clothing ain't helping!!

***TMI alert***

Here's a reality check: after my children were born, I nursed them. My already-large breasts grew to be enormous. When they were done breastfeeding, the extra tissue never went away. Ever. I'm not talking about oranges & grapefruits here. More like cantaloupe & just as heavy! I wore a 38DD before I got pregnant. I was bulging out of a 44DDD once they weaned. The cute baby doll blouses & bohemian chic tops were coming into fashion & I was told how flattering they would be on my body because they billow & float away from the body from just under the bust & would hide my tummy....yeah, not so much. What I found was that none of them fit. None. I must have tried on hundreds. Every single one of them, even in what should have been my size, were too short from the shoulder to the empire waist. That seam always hit my across the bust, assuming it would even go around my bust.

I'd always had it in the back of my mind that after I had children, I might get reduction surgery. I always thought I was too top-heavy. I had no idea how top-heavy I'd get!! I spoke with my doctor about it. He agreed it would be good for me & I did all I needed to do to get approved. I had nearly 6 pounds of flesh removed. I grew 3/4 of an inch! (Less back compression, I guess.) I am now in a 40C. You know as soon as I felt well again I went shopping. I tried on those cute tops...& they still didn't fit! Now, not only was the seam still across my bust, but now I had poufs of extra fabric billowing because I no longer filled out the tops! WTH? Things were supposed to fit better, not fit wrong in 2 places!

Then here comes the stretch trend...everything is made with a hint of stretch. You know, this is good in a bathing suit. It keeps it in place even after it's wet. It's good in panties & bras because that's just awkward when they shift around too much. I like it in my jeans. I don't need to cut off circulation to my legs because I squatted down to tie a shoe. You know where it's no good? In my Tshirts!! I do not like every roll accentuated. I have muffin top when I'm naked! Do I really need a shirt that clings to it? I don't think so, & I'm willing to wager, neither do any number of people who look at me through out the day. I've been chubby since about 10th grade. But it was a firm chub until I had children. I never had bra bulge either until they came along. Can I please save some semblance of dignity & cover up without a muumuu or spandex? And please, make it long enough to cover my waist if I move my arms at all. I'm not saying it has to be so long that I can put my hands on my head without it lifting at all, but how about on the shopping cart?

And then, the jeans....pants of all types. I used to have issue with the waists on everything being above my waist. If the crotch was in the right place, then the waist was 2 inches above mine...& tight. Then, thank the Lord, someone invented the idea of low-rise, mid-rise & well, that's it for me. The other is too high. A low rise on me is a mid rise on anyone else & a mid rise on me sits less than 1/2 an inch below my natural waist, which is best for comfort & muffin reduction. It sort of holds in the pouch. But watch the low-rise, ladies. I want you all to say no to crack!! Enough said.

Though I can't move on without mentioning the hips...Mine aren't big! I can't tell you how many pairs of pants I try on that look like jodhpurs because of the floating hips. Oompa Loompa jodhpurs at that. I have a big waist. I'm not huge all over. My darling daughter is dealing with this issue now as she is moving from children's clothes into juniors, developing her self-esteem, & crying because nothing fits well. She doesn't like pulling her pants up to her chin either. But even if we did, we'd both be tripping over the cuffs!

I want you to make something that fits me! My legs are not as long as the pants you make. It seems like for every inch you add to the waist, there are 2 in the hip & 4 in the length. Come on! I'd have to be 6'4' to have legs long enough for the corduroys hanging in my closet....That's on you, Coldwater Creek. Shopping for my younger daughter, I hold up the pants to judge the size. She's not even 9 yet, Children's Place & Osh Kosh B'Gosh...yet your girls pants would be too long for me, & I'm a completely average 5'7". Shame on you!

I am not ashamed of my body & I don't want my daughters to be ashamed of theirs. Nor do I want to flaunt it & I most certainly do not want them to flaunt theirs. I'm modest. I dress on the conservative side. I always did, even in my youth. I have a classic & preppy side. I would like to look well put-together in clothing that fits & flatters regardless of my shape or size. I don't think that's really so much to ask. Where would beauty be if we were all cookie-cutter images of each other?

For anyone who faces these challenges, Old Navy, Gap, Fashion Bug & Lane Bryant (of course, the 1st 2 are divisions of the same company as are the 2nd 2) in my experience, seem to have the best methods for sizing the various shapes of women. Lane Bryant sells jeans that actually have the shapes like Garanimals so you know what will fit your body type. Old Navy sells jeans with 3 different rises in 3 different lengths & if you order a 16 regular (misses?) instead of a 16 women's, the hips don't fly like wings on the sides of your bum! There's the catch though....Plus sizes are only sold online, not in stores. But if you aren't plus sized & you just have an apple shape rather than a stick or a pear, you're probably going to be able to find what you need at the 1st 3 chains too.

Maybe It's Only My Opinion

The 3 things we're not supposed to talk about : money, politics & religion.... Elections are tomorrow. They encompass all 3 of these topics, don't they? Since it's on the brain, here goes.

1.) I like money. Who doesn't like money? You need it. That's how you buy what you need. There are things people need, for instance, food, shelter, & clothing. I think I was actually taught in school that those 3 things, in fact, are all anybody really needs. Everything else is a want. I have to disagree with that. Oh, don't act surprised! You knew I would! Those of us in colder climates, we also need heat. It's November 1 & it was 31* when I sent my children out to the bus. It's cold. Even the arctic tribal people made fires, didn't they? If they could find something to burn, like whale oil?

2.) I don't like politics. Surprise! In this country, we're blasted by the 2 big parties saying that everything is black or white, right or wrong, conservative or liberal, right-wing or left-wing, Republican or Democrat, our way or their way, us or them...& that us or them thing turns into us versus them. Personally, I'm middle of the road & independent & I have cast my ballot for both parties for various reasons. And the thing that supposed to be so great here in the USA, that we all get to vote & we all get our say...irks me when people who have no idea what is really going on get as much say as people who are informed. If you really don't know the issues, you are part of the problem. And people who are so tired of the stalemates & the filibusters & the 'game' of politics & the lies, well, they just don't vote at all. I'm ok with everyone not agreeing on everything (I mean, that's ridiculous a concept, isn't it?) but I get irritated when people spew blatantly false information & supposition as though they're on the inside track. Obama is a Muslim! Bush just went to the Middle East to try to finish what his dad didn't! I seriously can't abide it when it is so easy to disprove. This is the age of information, people! Look it up! I recommend you don't believe everything you randomly hear in that vague land of Somewhere. Make an informed decision & do your civic duty. Complacency certainly won't change anything, & no one is really 'above' such a privilege.

3.) Religion....that's where things get mighty tricky. Let's put it out there. We're all biased. Nobody can prove anything. It's conjecture or mythology to some. To others, it's comfort: the truth, the light & the way... It's faith. It's belief. It's tradition. It's community. It's bigger than we are. Hundreds of years of war haven't made people see the same thing the same way. How can people ever agree on one belief when even within many a given religion, there are multiple sects? Scientologists aren't the only non-God religion, & then of course, the atheists & deists don't see one at all. I've come to the conclusion that I don't really like religion. I do not have a problem with anyone's spirituality. Really, that's like saying you can't like yellow. But religion itself...that's really political. There's a corporate ladder in organized religions & then the various centers for worship have their leader, their moral center, who then becomes a community leader who then influences politics &  finance... It's a slippery slope.

The passion 1 person can show when discussing his or her beliefs about any of these 3 taboo topics can be immense. I've been known to fall for the bait & get entangled before I realized....People get mad. Oooh, yes, people like to be right! Hey, I do too. I'm totally human. (I had a Psychology teacher open class once with the statement, "The mind had 2 goals: survival & to be right." That has always stayed with me.) I can agree to disagree about any these things. But fair warning, I'm never going to be won over in politics with a religious argument, nor will I be converted or open to changing my opinion in any argument that starts with the phrase, "The Bible says..." unless we're literally arguing what the Bible says...& then you'll have to show me & prove it, because I'll argue my right to my opinion, but I won't argue a fact unless I am absolutely 100% sure of my facts.

It really is a 'live & let live' country we're in. Don't bother me & I won't bother you. Wouldn't the world be a boring place if we all thought the same things all the time? I like that we're different. We'd lose all creativity & productivity! How could there be a next great insight or invention? I think everything would be beige... which is great when paired with absolutely any other color in the universe, but pretty dull when flat beige is all there is....

Baby, Watch Out! I'm on a Rant!

WARNING: The following message contains Sarcasm, Profanity & Self-serving interests.

This is an angry message I recently received via facebook inbox. Hostile much?

"you got alot of fucking nerve...so your kid draws on the wall and leaves dirty clothes around...try raising a child with autism!!...you are very selfish and maybe if you gave your family a little respect, you might get some in return...you got alot of problems and many of your choices have lead you to the consequences you are now faced with...stop sleeping so much and maybe look for a job and you might find a new perspective on life...you feel you are entitled to everything you think you deserve...maybe your family has issues with you but cant tell you because you wont accept it...after all, you are perfect..."

Really? I'm not supposed to be frustrated that my child has drawn on my walls? Vandalism is now acceptable behavior? Really? I should be content living in their mess? Is it responsible parenting to allow these things? Because one of his children has autism, & mine don't, I should condone this behavior? If they had any disability, perhaps it wouldn't be so intolerable. Not that I'd wish that, just saying, there is perspective. My kids are supposed to know better. We should be well beyond these issues. I guess I am selfish if that is defined by the expectation that everyone should have to pick up after themselves & follow through with what they say they will do. Selfish indeed.

I was not under the impression that parenting would be easy. I expected my children to talk back- after all, I did it. I believe that having altercations with a parent is part of the growing up process. Doesn't mean I have to like it, does it?  I do not agree that this equals a mutual lack of respect between my family members & me. Just because his problems are perhaps bigger than mine, is that supposed to nullify mine? I can't be annoyed by shoes in the kitchen because there are starving people in Africa?

This person lives on the other side of the continent, & yet he supposes that he knows me. The fact is, we've never spent 5 minutes alone together getting to know one another. My friend dated him & married him. We've spent a handful of evenings together, with other people, in 15 years. That's a fact.

Let's discuss my choices.... when my place of employment was shutting down, my husband & I decided together that we would try to make it on 1 income. We thought it was a good idea that we raise our own children. We knew we would have to make sacrifices. It has been hard. At times, downright frustrating, but I wouldn't change it. When we had to go without a car, it was terribly difficult, but that is the price we paid to raise our own kids instead of hoisting them off on our parents or working to exhaustion to afford daycare. The consequences we faced were worth the rewards. I hardly think adolescence would be kept at bay if I was currently employed. Maybe we'll find out. My husband & I have been discussing, now that transportation is again available, that I would seek some part time employment. But again, that is a decision for us to make....& really isn't anyone else's business...except, perhaps, for the blind boy in India who can relax now that I'm not sleeping all day...

I don't even sleep all night, much less all day! That's right out of the blue. If I wasn't so mad at his arrogance, I could laugh. And I'm sure I will one day but not yet. A life of luxury is not what I have.

As for stuff...I don't need much! The trade-offs of working all the time to buy more stuff just isn't worth it to me. I don't need so much. I need enough...but I'm not greedy & I'm not superficial & I'm not so concerned with keeping up with the Joneses or the Smiths or the Cooks. A paycheck can't buy the things I value most: love, respect, family, friendship, loyalty, affection, laughter, intelligence, integrity, trust, health, comraderie, understanding, morality, generosity...in no particular order. As broke as we've been, we have always managed to contribute (if not monetarily than by donating our time) to charities we support: Diabetes, Autism, Cancer, Heart disease, Special Olympics, Multiple Sclerosis, Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, Humane Society, local education, sports & band, military & law enforcement, wildlife & the environment, Unicef, Amvets, Goodwill, the Salvation Army, & the Red Cross...

My children have college savings accounts. This man & his wife have opted not to do that for theirs. That's their choice. It's not for me to judge. We have absolutely no credit card debt. We learned from past insanity. We have a modest income & we make ends meet. That's about all I can say on that. Not such terrible consequences. We don't have a huge 5 bedroom house with bills up to the eyeballs & drink a case of beer per night while pretending everything is hunky-dory.

I have a life that I talk about, instead of the sole inanity of professional sports. Some things suck. I never said everything did. Maybe some people have it suckier. Maybe I'm more vocal about what sucks. But you know what? That's what helps me get through it, to put it in perspective & work it out. Suck on that. It doesn't have to be anyone else's method & it doesn't require anyone's approval. Don't like it? Don't read it! Don't like me, then don't interject yourself into my world.

Does my family have issues with me but can't tell me because I won't accept it? (Is that anyone's business but ours?) I suppose that's a possibilty. Anything is possible. But seeing as I've discussed the issues of my children's messiness, sudden penchant for grafitti, the talking-back & grunting & growling at me, the rewards & burdens of a single income, the standards of expectation....it seems to me that they have all had the opportunity to offer any thoughts they've had. I write this as a public forum. I've had private conversations with my husband, parents, sister & friends. None of them thinks a messy house is equivalent to respectful children! It's quite the opposite. None of them thinks my children & I don't have love for each other. And while a job has been mentioned as a way to alleviate some of the financial burdens, they respect the right for my husband & me to make that decision for ourselves, to come to our own conclusions at our own time...but yeah, it's been mentioned. No World War 3, so it seems I'm not that unapproachable. My ego is not so fragile because I know who I am & what matters to me. What I can say is that none of them would try to make any kind of valid point by posting potshots at me on facebook. Jerk.

And at last, the issue of entitlement! Whoopeee!! Yeah, I feel entitled. I do. I feel entitled to be treated with respect by the people in my sphere. I feel entitled to be treated with basic manners & common courtesies. I'm entitled to keep my dignity. I feel entitled to make the rules (with my husband) for our children & guests in our home. I feel entitled to make my own life choices. I feel entitled to talk about things in my life, great or rotten, brought on by myself or thrust upon me. I feel entitled to control what is posted to my facebook pages & to request that one cease what I find objectionable & to delete it which is why facebook gives us that control. I feel entitled to end negative relationships when they cause me so much aggravation. I'm not sure what else he thinks I feel entitled to... but this just about covers it.

Now, excuse me please, I have a nap to catch up on & some kids in the rainforest could use all the shoes I've collected from this house.

Baby, You've Got to be Kidding!

As you know from My Baby Tests Me, I have a 'tween. Truth is, I actually have 2. My big girl is almost 11 & my little girl is almost 9 & the general definition of a 'tween is a child between little kid & teenager, generally from 9-12.

Developmental Psychology lists these traits, among others, as key points in the 'tween's matuation process.

• Have a more developed sense of looking into the future and seeing effects of their actions (as opposed to early childhood where children often do not worry about their future).
• Have more realistic job expectations ("I want to be an engineer when I grow up", as opposed to "I want to be a wizard").
• View human relationships differently (i.e. they may notice the flawed, human side of authority figures) .
• Begin to develop a sense of self-identity.
• Have increased feelings of independence.
• Have a different view on morality.
• More mature, sensible, realistic thoughts and actions.

But as Mom, I have noticed that my own children, rather than maturing, appear to be regressing in many ways. Much like my almost-potty-trained 2 year old stopped using the potty when her baby sister was born, my almost 11 year old is now using baby talk. My nearly 9 year old is leaving wads of gum all over our house. I haven't caught the one who has started drawing on walls. No, I'm not kidding. They didn't draw on the walls when they were toddlers or preschoolers, when it was developmentally forgivable, but now when I know they know better, my little artists have become grafitti punks.


We're guessing this is window cleaner
on the Venetian plastered wall-
I think the other tells its own story.



Please examine the evidence. I present you with exhibits A, B, C, D & E.

Being as no amount (Trust me, I'm consistent!) of saying 'no' has helped, I, being a bit of an authoritarian, said enough was enough. I didn't think it was necessary to write a list of rules because I say them often. I was wrong.

I don't have a lot of rules because I believe in kids being kids, but I have a few basics- take care of your things, be polite, pick up after yourself & the biggie: If I tell you to do something, do it. My children have repeatedly tested above grade level, accelerated, & even gifted in school so I thought these covered what needed to be covered.

No.

It didn't cover, "Don't draw on the walls, the floor, the furniture or your bodies."

I didn't even know I'd need one to cover, "Don't spray random liquids around the house."

Gum under the living room writing desk

Apparently, it also didn't cover, "Sharpies are not for everyday doodles."

It sure didn't cover, "Gum belongs only in your mouth or the trash can."

I never dreamed I'd need a rule to cover, "Don't clog the sink with toilet paper," or "Don't paint the bathroom with toothpaste." I couldn't even photograph this nonsense as I flew into hysterics upon discovery of the overt vandalism.

I'm afraid to mention the sudden nudity issue. I'm just going to leave it there.

As I remind gently at first, then with more firmness in my voice, then (as I'm still ignored) more volume, "Pick up your backpacks, put away your shoes, throw your laundry down the chute," I'm met with exasperated sighs of protest, "Mo-o-om! I know!"

Gum at the computer desk,
along with a doodled-upon mousepad

"Well if you know, why aren't you doing? Don't you know this whole conversation can be avoided if you just do it? If you know, why do you wait for me to ask you (rhetorically, of course) & then remind you, & then order you?" We've had that conversation millions of times.

I have definitely mentioned the whole, "Leave my things alone," rule. That one became urgent as my husband & I went to bed one night to the overpowering odors of every cologne I own all sprayed thickly (is thickly a word? It's appropriate.) I believe, directly onto our pillows! Instant headache. Perhaps it was actually an act of love that one or both of them thought this would be sweet, but trust me, it was an assault. I didn't freak out, but I did have to strip the bed, spray down the mattress & pillows with Febreeze, turn the fan on high, wait, then put fresh linens on...at midnight. I can still smell it in my mind....

I can only guess that the one who applied
the Princess decal is not the one who defaced
(with my nail polish)
Snow White's lips red as blood....
on MY craft desk!

The fact that they have lived in the suburbs their whole lives seems to diminish the sarcasm of the phrase, "Were you raised in a barn?" They look baffled when that one comes up. I say, "Your room is a pig sty!" & am greeted with blank expressions, as though they cannot possibly comprehend what a pig sty is.

I've tried using fear to motivate. "Spiders hide in clutter," I tell them. I know this to be true. I've laundered many a spider when I've sorted the clothes on the basement floor but didn't get to them right away. I either see them scurry away when I pick up the pile or I see them drowned when I transfer the load to the dryer. And then I do the heeby-jeeby dance that I picked it up unwittingly. This is also why I will not go into the dungeon without shoes!

I've tried the guilt-trip. Why won't you just do this for me? I wash your clothes. I make your breakfast. Just put your shoes away for me. It got me nowhere. And I annoy myself.

I've done the drill sargeant thing. Pick up your shoes! One pair & one pair only can be in the tray at the door! All others belong in your bedroom closet! The one pair you leave at the door must be the pair you intend to wear! When everyone leaves in the morning, the only pair there should be mine! Now! Get your shoes! Move it! The black Mary Janes! The sneakers! The Crocs! Move, move move! Yeah, I hate that. I can't keep up with that. I'm still trying to train them, but that's exhausting.

We've tried punishments & rewards. They are just too _______. Fill in the blank. Spoiled? Stubborn? Apathetic? Complacent? It just isn't enough motivation. Stickers, my ass. My kids want new iPods! Not gonna happen.

So this past weekend, I decide that I will remove the guesswork. I will post house rules so that they cannot claim they do not understand the expectations. I wanted to keep it simple. I tried that psychology tip of phrasing in positives instead of negatives (ie, instead of saying, no lying, I wrote, tell the truth.) I just did it this weekend. I don't know yet if it will work. I did write a few of my own & then ask for contributions. I tried to keep it easy. Afterall, if God can make do with 10, we ought to be able as well. We have 9 so far...



The culprit herself added #9

 So reviewing the developmental characteristics list,  I'm not sure when I'm supposed to see that maturity thing starting, but they're getting that whole self-identity thing down. Good for them.

I'd certainly like to see the independence thing wait to surface until they have the maturity for it. Clearly they don't yet possess sensible or realistic thoughts & actions...not when I find a tub of caramel apple dip hidden under the bed & Mrs. Butterworth's behind the chest in the family room.

I still wonder where the concern for their future lies, because I didn't see 'budding vandals' on the list anywhere.



















Baby, I Love Your Smile



It's clear what braces will do for her.
1st day of Kindergarten

 I was well-advised about a year ago that when I got ready to search for an orthodontist for my children, schedule a few consultation appointments. Wow! I am ever so happy I listened to that advice.


I made the phone calls about 2 months ago, & the 1st appointment I was able to obtain was at the closest orthodontist to our house. We went into the office & were inpressed at the bright, cheerful space. Big windows with sunlight streaming in, technology apparent everywhere, a super friendly staff, & a mini-bar full of freebies. I'll call him Dr. X.

The next office was a contrast but came with a personal recommendation from one whose opinion I respect. The office was nice, but it is nestled in some trees. It was calm & quiet. We were greeted by a professional staff & went through just about the same tour. No mini-bar here. However, they did have an incentive plan that getting good check-ups from the dentist won the child rewards at the orthodontist. I'll refer to this one as Dr. Y.

The last appointment was actually the 1st one I made, it just took the longest to get in to see him. I looked at this positively: He's so popular he's busy. He's good & in demand. I also saw the negative side: He could be hard to schedule any appointments with, & what happens when there's an emergency fix? His office is right downtown, has no view, but it was very modern & eco-friendly using sun-tubes for natural light, recycled (plastic privacy panels) & renewable resources (bamboo flooring). They also make their implements on site. He had a video game station for the kids while waiting & coffee for the parent, but not a mini-bar. I'll call him Dr. Z.

Dr. X took X-rays, photos & measurements. He made his treatment reccomendations for both my girls, gave explanations for them, sounded confident in his ability to perfect their bites & their smiles. He thought it best that we start an aggressive plan (the model looked like a Terminator-type of contraption involving a palate expander) immediately for my older daughter for 2 years & phase 1 of a 2-step plan for my younger daughter so that her mouth doesn't develop like my older child's already had. Then we were given price quotes & payment options.

Dr. Y also took X-rays, photos & measurements & outlined his proposed treatment plan. He was very matter-of-fact in his explanations & even said that my younger daughter could & should put off treatment for 18-36 months until she'd lost all of her baby teeth. For my older daughter, he proposed a plan thatwould be about 20-22 months & only a short time in the palate expander, which might only be used as a stabilizing device when moving the teeth... he explained the difference in the type of braces he uses & how it is gentler & more effective, although less conventional. Then we were given price quotes & payment options.

Dr. Z took an MRI, photos, & did all the measurements based on the MRI. He said they both had a palate within the acceptable normal range- no expander. He showed us -& this was cool- how perfect our older daughters face is- his words. He showed us by measurements the dimmensions & how symetrically she lines up with her temples, eyes, & nose width being in perfect 5ths across her face & her forehead, nose & chin dividing into perfect 3rds the length of her face. This was cool. He showed us on the MRI exact measurements of her mouth, teeth, palate, her airway, jaws, sinuses, everything that can be affected by moving the teeth. He took time & explained thouroughly. He did the same with our younger daughter, whom he said should wait 2 years or more to start...& he proposed a treatment plan that involved no palate expander & only 18-20 months of braces for our firstborn, & that he may use more than one set, more than one kind of brace brackets on her. Then we got price quotes & payment options & were told to take our time & consider all options & let them know...



1st day of Kindergarten
Look, Mom, no teeth!

 Even lay people like us can see that our girls have overbites, that they have gaps & some crooked teeth. The whole palate expanding issue is less clear for us. So glad to have various opinions on that. I prefer less interference when possible. We learned from both Dr.s Y & Z that our daughters were advanced in their tooth & bone development. I knew that. They got their 1st baby teeth around 3 1/2 & 4 months old, & they popped up all at once. That's how they lost them too! My 1st started Kindergarten missing her 2 front teeth.

Dr. Z asked us where else we'd 'shopped' & when I told him, he kind of made a face at Dr. X's name, though he recovered quickly. He said he has respect for Dr. Y's work. But Dr. Z was the one with dozens of degrees & awards on his walls. He had the latest technology. He also had the biggest discount for paying up fron in full, although Dr. Y seemed to have a little more flexibility in playing with the numbers. Dr.s X & Z are in our dental network, so we would receive full benefits there, & Dr. Y was not so benefits were cut in 1/2. So what does all of this mean? Here's the bottom line-

Dr. X quoted us $6,360 for our 1st child alone, though he did offer a sibling discount, it did not make up the difference once we added her quote onto it too even with it's discount. Our younger daughter's treatment for phase 1 only was quoted at $1,915 with no estimate for Phase 2. Our insurance benefits & the sibling discount still puts us at an out-of-pocket expense of $4,586 with an unknown Phase 2 amount still to come. We suffered severe sticker shock! It was seriously weighing heavily on us both. Dr. Y proposed $5660 less insurance benefits for an out-of-pocket expenditure of $4,760 for each (because he said our 2nd daughter would eventually require pretty much the same treatment plan.) If he was within our insurance network, that would drop by $1,100 each. Dr. Z quoted $5,222 for our older child. With full insurance benefit, that's $3,222 & to pay in full up front reduces by 7% it comes to $2,996.46. Dr. Y only offered a 3% discount for upfront payment & Dr. X didn't offer any. I do know that orthodontic procedures can vary & give the same approximate results. I truly did not expect such discrepancy between the price points. It's unbvelievable! And in this economy, kind of insane.

Blah, blah, blah!! Boring, right?! I hate numbers. I hate crunching numbers. I'm so glad it's done. My husband & I both walked away from the 3rd appointment thinking, '3rd time's the charm.' He was the least invasive, the least dramatic, the most technologically advanced. He was calm, kind, reassuring & had experience in dentistry as well as orthodontics, & other credentials that impressed us as much as his demeanor & staff did. He said, 'no big hurry' so we can wait for the bonus check & then pay upfront so there are no lingering stresses of upcoming payments...No worries of grinding their teeth to nubs, no TMJ, no apnea, no surgery (1-2 procedures were discusses about my younger daughter's attached muscle & boney gap) no wondering how to cover it & feeling like terrible parents because we didn't take them in sooner even though more than 1 dentist said to wait until they were 11 or 12.....so, no rush. I feel relief.

I'm so glad we did shop around. We got a great vibe with a reasonable price. I find comfort in this, as opposed to the uneasiness I felt at the 1st office. Had we just gone with the 1st guy whose office was closest to our house & was within our dental network, we might have ended up fine, but with more time, discomfort & expense. Why put your kids through more than is necessary?

Soon, my baby with the perfect face will also have perfect teeth....& then my other perfect baby can start hers afterward without drowning us with debt. Hey girls, we no longer have to choose between your teeth & heat this winter! Woo-hoo. That's what I call a WIN!

My Baby Tests Me

I know my mother cursed me. I recall well the many times she told me, "I hope you have a daughter just like you!" Maybe her mother cursed her? So many people tell me I'm just like my mother....which these days I like to think is a compliment.

After my initial panic in learning I was preggers, all I wanted was for my baby to be healthy & to be a girl. I wanted a girl because my brother had 2 boys already & one on the way & my sister had a boy. My parents had no girl grandchildren. Besides, I don't like sports, tractors, trains or trucks, video games or ninja turtles. I had no idea what I'd do with a boy! I knew I liked Barbies, baby dolls, tea parties & dress-up. I could do that.

So I had my ultrasound in the 20-24 week time frame where they can guess the baby's gender, & mine refused to cooperate. I should have known then...should have guessed. She was sleeping & we couldn't get her to roll over & show us her parts. We poked, prodded, pushed & then even when she grew perturbed by this, she wouldn't turn the right way. As she kicked & pushed back at us, all visible onscreen, she would not give us a clear view of the tell-tale features, or lack of them. So I left unknowing.

When I had my follow-up appointment with my OB, I cried while telling her this. I was very upset & disappointed. How could I properly prepare? I mean, I was sure I would love it even if it turned out to be a boy, but I needed that chance to grieve my hope if that was the case. And if she was a girl, then I could get really excited & buy the girly stuff I saw everywhere....so she helped me out. She took some measurements & some things 'weren't adding up right' so I got scheduled for another ultrasound & I learned that I was getting my girl. My sweet, precious, beautiful baby girl.

She was pretty opinionated from the get-go. I have no idea where she would acquire such a trait. Because I nursed her, she refused a bottle. I made milk like crazy- I could feed her & still pump a few ounces to freeze. We discovered later, when we wanted an evening out, that she wouldn't drink it from the bottle. No synthetic nipples for my baby. I used the frozen milk instead of water for her cereals as she began eating solids. I went to work around her 9th month of life & she was more interested in sippy cups than in bottles, so that is what we did.

Trying on Daddy's cap

Because my husband worked later in the afternoon into nights in those early years, we never had her on a good sleep schedule. That, & she fought sleep from the moment she was born. As a toddler, I would put her in her bed only to have her climb out again. repeatedly. I would go to sleep & wake up to find her next to me. I was exhausted, trying to go to sleep my self, saying, "It's midnight. You have to sleep!" But she wouldn't. Midnight was my breaking point, because you see, I wasn't working those late afternoons into the night shifts so I needed my sleep so I could function at work. She got to thinking this meant midnight was bedtime. Her little toddler voice would try to reason with me, "But Mommy, it's not bednight yet..."

Now my baby is a few weeks out from her 11th birthday. She's in 5th grade wearing juniors & adults clothing sizes & has outgrown my shoes & she has an attitude to match. Apparently, the hormones are in overdrive. 

She always has a better idea.

Hey, I know, we should go pick apples on Saturday, maybe go through a corn maze, I might say. She has a better idea. We should go to a corn maze, & then maybe pick some apples, sometime this weekend. See how that works? She also likes to argue how much better her idea is than mine. That's what I said. Then she'll argue, No, you said on Saturday. I'm giving us the whole weekend. But even if I remind her that we already have something scheduled on Sunday so Saturday is all we have, the apples & the maze were still somehow her idea & better than whatever I may have said. And she says 'you' with the disgust she might feel for scraping excrement from the soles of her shoes. I get warm & fuzzy just thinking about it.

She once put on a a completely mismatched outfit. It was turquois & white gingham shorts with a pink tee that had multiple coral & orange & bright pink jellyfish down one side.
I said, Honey, you can't wear that.
She answered, But I like it.
I said, It's fine to like it, but not in public. You can wear one or the other with something that matches.
You're stupid! was my response.

Here's a last example- I just made some lemonaid. Anyone want some?
Some what? she asks.
I answer, Some lemonaid.

Oh, lemmonn-aaid! (real-slow-like, with extra annunciation, because I clearly have an intelligence deficit.)

Right. What did you think I said?

I thought you said 'lemmaid.'

What's lemmaid? I laugh.

She shrugs, I didn't know, that's why I asked.

You didn't know what lemonaid was?

No, I, ugh, FORGET IT! You're stupid & I hate you! She runs from the room & slams her bedroom door.

So you don't want any lemonaid? I call after her.
Not from YOU!!!!! I believe she suspects I may poison her. (haha)


10th birthday at her favorite restaurant



Friends tell me that we will get past it. We will get through it. We will survive it...& I hope we do. I hope we do. So I pray this little girl that people tell me is my mini-me, this little girl with the beautiful, angelic face & big mouth that I love so much but can't spend 10 consecutive minutes with, I pray she does grow up to be ok. I hope I'm doing a decent job. I know she's getting  unconditional love, but I also hope she's learning the behavioral modifications necessary to be a decent human being. I have to believe she's still in there somewhere. As far as I can tell, she's polite to everyone except me & occasionally her sister. I have a sister too so that doesn't surprise me. I remind her & myself that it isn't my job to be her friend or to cater to her every wish, but to be her mother & teach her right from wrong, respect for others, how to be responsible & productive...& that  hope once she grows up, she will be all of those things & then we can be friends.

I want her to find her independence- when she can handle it.

I want her to make her own choices- when she makes good ones.

I want her to stand up for herself- with others.

I want her to grow up- eventually.

You see, she's always believed she's my equal. I'd tell her, you're 3, not 33. When she says but you do it, (because I will bring a drink with me into the living room but the children have been forbidden) I answer that there are different rules for grown-ups than there are for kids. I say the same thing my mother said to me, when you grow up & you have your own home & your own children, then you can set the rules.



Why? Because I said so.

Maybe we all eventually turn into our mothers.