Grrr Baby, & Kiss My Grits!

Years ago, I used to read a column on the fox news website. (Shocker!) Here's a link to an old post to give you an idea- http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,252838,00.html. Poor me. The Grrr Guy stopped writing this blog some time ago. It made me very sad because every Tuesday, he was sure to give me a chuckle about some (usually inane) common thing people do that annoys everybody...except apparently, the masses who participated. The guy just cracked me up.

So about a week ago, my friend wrote up a blog about her days waiting tables at a diner. Check it out. http://lightenupweber.blogspot.com/2011/01/doris-die-hard-waitress.html. I worked in the restaurant biz for many years. Ridiculous grrrs flashed before me as I read her piece. I told her of 2 incidents & she said, "Write it up!" So here I go....First, here's the comment I made.

This one hit home for me!! Oh, God, how I hated waiting tables. My 1st waitress job was at an 'Italian Restaurant'...a family-owned, K-Mart cafeteria of Italian food. I was 22, fresh out of college, working nights to keep my days open to substitute (reminder- I have a teaching degree & used to think I'd use it.) All entrees came with a side salad. It was clearly listed on a limited menu, along with all the dressing choices. God, I used to get sooo irritated by being asked to list the dressings. Can't you read, you MFers?! The House is a Creamy Italian. We also have fat-free Italian, Honey Mustard, Honey French, Ranch, Blue Cheese & oil & vinegar. Do you have poppyseed? Did I freakin' say poppyseed?! We have Creamy Italian, fat-free Italian, Honey Mustard, Honey French, Ranch, Blue Cheese, oil & vinegar. And don't call me ma'am!!

Want to guess why I hated listing the dressings? And why I still remember them after almost 20 years? Because I had to repeat them 157 times a week, sometimes more than once per table, when they were listed in plain view on the menu...Just take a second to look before you tell me you're ready. Clearly you weren't.

The ma'am thing is less of an issue now. I don't object to it now. I understand that it's a courteous title of address for someone whose name you probably don't know. But at 22, 'Miss' was more polite... I remember being in a bit of a rush to tend to one of my tables & someone was trying to flag me from another table that wasn't mine. Normally I'd happy to help, but for some reason, the tone of the 'Ma'am' I was getting made me clamp my jaw tight & I walked on by like I hadn't heard it. I'm at the drink station refilling this man's coke for the 6th time, & I hear, 'Ma'am!' from 6 feet away...I looked at the waiter next to me, "Is she 'ma'am-ing' me? Because I am not a ma'am!" [Oh, no you di'nt!]  I took the long way around to avoid her. Never did learn what she wanted, but I know that had she asked, "Ma'am?" or said, "Excuse me, ma'am..." I would have given her 2 minutes of my time...But I wasn't getting her tip & I didn't want to be at her beck & call. I did, being the sweet gal I am, find out who her server was & inform that person that table 102 needed assistance.

I didn't mind, though many did, being called dear or honey, Miss, or sweetie.... I did mind "Waitress." (& ma'am, at the time.)

In most of the restaurants I've worked in, we had our names on our uniforms though I usually introduced myself. It was standard protocol. "Hi, I'm Kerbi & I'll be your server today...." Then I would be subjected to the same lame jokes over & over & over again....
Kerbi? Are you related to Kirby Puckett? Yeah, 'cause all relatives share first names....
Kerbi? What kind of name is that? Well, JACK, it's nonsense, completely made up. Does that satisfy your curiosity?
Kerbi? Really? No, I lied to you so that when you complain that you had terrible service, they won't know it was me!
I had a dog named Kirby once. Really? You're comparing me to your dog? Before I have access to your food?
Then there are the people who don't listen to what I've just said, scanned my nametag, & decide to call me Kerri... so I'm answering to the wrong name for the duration in hopes of claiming my $2 when it's over.

I read somewhere that calling customers by name resulted in higher tips. It made them feel special, showed that you were on-the-ball, so I liked to call people by name when I could. If they were of similar age, I often used a 1st name. "How do you know my name?" I've been asked. Because we went to high school together, because I've waited on you twice a week for 6 months straight, because I pay attention, because I can read your credit card....all of the above. Often I'd smile, "You know mine. It's only fair." If they were quite a bit older than me, I used Mr. or Mrs. to be polite. It usually worked out well for both of us. We frequent 2 restaurants where the staff can greet us by name. It is nice.

When I greet you with a, "Hi, how're you today?" & a smile, you have several choices. I mean, chances are, I don't really care how you are & I don't expect you to care how I am & I'm not going to tell you (My feet hurt, I hate this crappy job, & I think I'm getting a cold- you want it?) So you don't have to ask, but....please don't ignore the question & launch right into, "I'll have the clam chowder & fish fry. Is that all-you-can-eat?" Remember common courtesies, say hello back, say "Fine, thank you. I'd like the clam chowder..."

I really disliked the harried woman with 3 kids under the age of 5 whose first question was, "Do you get free refills?" On fountain drinks & water, yes, on milk, juice or specialty drinks no. Read the menu!!! And clean up the Cheerios you brought with you. I mean, do you leave the cereal all over the place at home? If you're not going to keep them from doing it & you're not going to clean it up, at least tip extra for the extra work! In a diner or a quick service establishment, the servers make their money with a fast turn-over rate. If you're sitting at a 4-top & you only ordered 1 meal, I've already lost potential income, but then to hold me up another 10 or 15 minutes while I clean up crumbs from the booth crevices & wipe down sticky high chairs & booster seats & get out a broom....leave an extra dollar. Geeze...

The people that flagged me down while talking on their cell phones probably annoyed me the most. Dude, I've been watching you for 10 minutes waiting for you to put down your phone, read the menu, & give me your order, but I am not going to stand there while you talk to someone else with your finger up, telling me to hold on....no way. I have other people to take care of. I'll be over when the phone is not at your ear.

One rather big grrr I had with waiting tables had nothing to do with food service, customer service, sucking up or being run around....it was the uniform! The apron that has a bib was always a bit-- problematic --for me. You see, They are a one-size-fits-all kind of thing, but for me, they were a one-size-covers-one-half...No matter how long or short I adjusted the neck strap, one boob was covered & one was not! It was most unflattering. In the Italian place, we were required to serve from a tray at all times. They thought it was more 'professional' even if it was one glass. At the diner, they preferred we use arm service, & have several other servers assist if we had a larger party. I remember my arm being loaded up & serving my table, & as I pulled the dish from the highest point on my arm, it left behind it's condiment. Yes, my boob was holding all the sour cream from the cheesy fries. I apologized profusely & said I'd be back with a fresh plate only to be told, that's ok, they didn't mind, just a side dish of sour cream. I still laugh! Really!?

I did more than wait tables in my years employed at restaurants. I started as a hostess. I then started cashiering, serving, taking phone calls, expediting & carry-out...& of course, everyone pitches in & busses (in diners & quick service restaurants.) It's hard work, mentally & physically, & a lot of times, you're the target of a foul mood, & it's often thankless. There can be a whole lot of butt-kissing for a couple of bucks...

But you know what was actually pretty cool about the restaurant work I did? I learned how to count back change quickly & accurately without using the register! The regulars who were good tippers, those who came in for a cup of coffee just because they were lonely... the random celebrity (yes, here in NE Ohio!) who'd leave you an enormous tip because you treated them like you would anybody else... the friends you made because you worked together... I met my husband in the diner job. I worked with my sister & one of my brothers, & the woman who became his wife! And the ridiculous things that stay with me, like when the owner of one establishment told me I had a sexy voice on the phone. I think I'm kind of nasal, but, you know, who's going to turn down a random compliment? When I hosted, I often wore short skirts. Someone told me I had great gams. I had to look it up as soon as I got home. (By golly, I did have great gams!!) And then there was the cutie-patootie chiropractor & all the UPS guys...

I quit waiting tables about a month before my oldest child was born. She's 11 now. This is the first time I've really looked back. I don't miss it. I don't ever want to do it again, even on occasion when I contemplate going back to work part-time, something where I don't have to bring any troubles home with me, when I can take time off when I need it because my family comes first....but I really think everybody should wait tables at least once in their lives. It's eye-opening!

Ain't No Maybe About It....

I am a witch with a capital B.

I embrace it. My husband claims that is what he first liked about me. Yes, he said that. He can't take it back.

nananabooboo

He likes my sarcasm & what he calls my wicked sense of humor. That's his nice (& he's not all that nice himself) way of saying that he likes it when I rip on people. Here's the truth: I can be a bitch. I think that's different from always being one. I'm sure there are some who would disagree with this concept & with whether I'm always one or not. Too bad. It's my blog & not theirs.

I think I'm actually a pretty nice person, but that will change if you mess with me or my kids. And if I don't know you &/or you look or have proven to be stupid, all bets are off.

Take something minor for example... Recently, I have noticed that a slew of people I know are suddenly 'liking' a bunch of stuff on facebook. That's ok. I 'like' stuff too. I do take issue with who is saying s/he likes some of the stuff s/he claims to like. I hope you follow me. I'm not going to use names, but if they are reading me, I hope they recognize themselves & 'unlike' some of their 'likes.' (I don't think anyone to whom I refer actually does read me, but if so, you can take it up with me & we'll talk it out.)

Person number 1 -& again, I like this person, but I think she may be confused- recently 'liked' Sarah Palin, Being Conservative, God & Glen Beck. Really? REALLY?! Because this woman is a thrice divorced bartender & it doesn't seem to mesh. I'm not picking on her bad luck or bad taste in men. I'm not mocking her personal pain. I'm not opposed to earning an honest living as a bartender or server (did it myself for many years) or anything like that. I'm not faulting of what I know so little. I'm not even being snobby when I say these things just don't fit together. This is according to Webster's. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/conservative

2-a : of or relating to a philosophy of conservatism
b capitalized : of or constituting a political party professing the principles of conservatism: as (1) : of or constituting a party of the United Kingdom advocating support of established institutions (2) : progressive conservative

3-a : tending or disposed to maintain existing views, conditions, or institutions : traditional b : marked by moderation or caution c : marked by or relating to traditional norms of taste, elegance, style, or manners
 
Conservative as a noun has an ever so slight difference. It's connotation is political.

1-a : an adherent or advocate of political conservatism b capitalized : a member or supporter of a conservative political party

2-a : one who adheres to traditional methods or views
 
That usually implies cuts to so-called entitlement programs (including Social Security & Medicare) & tax breaks for the wealthiest citizens & big businesses...which I completely understand if you are wealthy or own a big business or are even employed by one. You may not ever need your Social Security or Medicare. But a bartender is usually not wealthy nor is the bar or restaurant usually under the umbrella of big business. It just doesn't mesh.
 
Certainly anyone can 'like' God & I can't criticize that...& I don't want to waste my energy on that hypocrite Sarah Palin or the bigot Glen Beck. But you see where I'm going...
 
Person number 2 has similar 'likes' but has 3 children with 3 different mothers & that doesn't speak of conservative or Christian values to me, though I do indeed find him to be a pretty great guy. He's reasonably intelligent, financially successful, funny & friendly. I'm just not sure that either of these honestly nice people understand the conflicting points with who they are versus who they either think they are or who they want to be.
 
Now I did say this blog wouldn't be a soapbox for my politicial beliefs, so moving on...Here's another super example: Someone I am friends with on facebook (& that distinction is necessary because apparently, we would never be friends in real life) recently had a birthday. I, like many others, extended polite birthday wishes on his wall. I happened to see many of these exchanges in my newsfeed because you will see the actions of the friends you have in common. So I noticed that he was replying to a lot of them, but I hadn't received a notification that he'd replied to mine. No big deal. Sometimes these things are delayed quite a bit. I just went back to his wall & scrolled through looking for my post. WHAT?! Exactly. Who'd a thunk it? Why would that ever occur to me? Yes, ladies & gentlemen, he had deleted my birthday greeting from his wall! Seriously. Un-freaking-real. Apparently, I am so grotesque that he could not have people thinking we were actual friends. It would seem that a little, "Happy birthday!" was more than he could tolerate. Should I maybe apologize for offending him so? And I was not the only one. Oh no, several people who'd made the same wish also had their sentiments expunged. Truly.
 
I ask you, to what purpose? And furthermore, is he so freaking clueless (oh, yeah, I'm going there) that he doesn't realize we can see this? It's like picking your nose at a red light. You are not alone. We can all see what you're doing. Or is he not so clueless, just rude? Personally, I'm not any more fond of rude than I am of stupid.
 
There are many cases of this type of behavior I could cite, but that was the best. He's a champ.
 
Of course, not all of these situations arise on facebook. Certainly not! I do have a real life. Shall we take on the topic of cell-phone manners? I don't know where to start because so few people have them. Not the phones, the manners. There are very few exceptions to these, but the most important one is, if you've never done it to me before, I'll not hold it against you, but if you do it all the time (& thou-who-shall-remain-nameless, you do it a lot....but these aren't all you) I'm calling you out.
 
1-Don't call me 2 seconds away from the drive-through & tell me to hold on while you place your order & pay & then make me listen to you chew & talk with your mouth full. Please? I beg you. I love you, but it's rude. Just call me when you're done.
2-  Don't call me just to chat & then take a caller beeping in 20 seconds after we say hi. If you were waiting for that call, you shouldn't have called me at that time. Call me after you get it & you actually do have free time.
3- If you called me, why are you texting or emailing while we're talking? Clearly you have something else to do.
4- If everytime you have ever called me from this one place, your call drops, stop calling me from there. Wait until you've driven past it to call. It's only 5 more minutes. I know the spot & I remember. Why don't you?
5- If we're hanging out together & you take more than 3 phone calls (unless it is somebody joining us) or even one phone call that lasts more than 5 minutes (unless it is an emergency or a change in plans) especially if you're at my house or you invited me out, then you are being rude. I shouldn't have to tell you that. But I have. More than once.
6- And here's one- If you're already 15 minutes late to pick me up, don't call me to tell me you're on your way & are at the light on street Y, (unless you're really at the light on street Y) because I know where you live & how long it takes to get here from there & from the light on street Y to here....& more importantly, because I have been with you 10,000 times when you have told someone else that we were on the way & had just turned the corner on X street while we were still in your living room. I'm on to you. I'm not buying it. I find no comfort in the fudging of the facts so you can be straight with me. I won't end our friendship over 20 minutes...an hour, maybe. No, but I will be mad.
 
My time is as valuable to me as yours is to you. Just sayin'.
 
7-8-9- & 10- Turn your ringer down in a restaurant, silence it at the movies (& for God's sake, keep your brightly lit screen down if you can't refrain from texting) don't ever put me on speaker, & please, modulate your voice. I can hear you. I promise that I will tell you if I can't. Your not hearing me doesn't equate with whether I can hear you. I've already turned down my receiver's volume as low as it goes. I understand it's loud where you are, but it isn't loud where I am. Ok? OK?! Are we OK?

Hahahaha-Ahahahaha! (That's me cackling.)

So now that I've got that off my chest....we can laugh about it together. I just think we all have our things. And now...I have a broom to fly!
 
Good Lord, you didn't think I'd sweep with it did you? Have you met me? Been here?